That one Time my Friends tried to Murder Me

Part I

I found myself washed ashore on an unfamiliar beach with only a pair of Nike swim trunks on and one flip flop. I don’t remember how I got here, in fact I don’t remember much. I remember not being able to speak and at first I couldn’t even tell you my name. It seemed like there were bubbles in my brain. Come to find out those bubbles were in my lungs. I coughed once, it felt like a heart attack and what seemed like a gallon of salt water, poured out of my face. Immediately after that the memories starting pouring in.

My beautiful life, my beautiful friends, my fiance. Can this be real? Did they really do this to me? Could this have actually happened to me? I think it did.


Six hours earlier…

“Honey, you never wanna do anything fun anymore. Success is supposed to be enjoyed. You’re turning into one of those gloomy writers, I miss your sense of humor”

I looked back at my beautiful fiance in her bra and panties talking to me, I’m barely paying attention. I’m distracted by her beauty but also my mind keeps racing. I don’t quite know why but something seems off. Have you ever felt like there’s death in the air?

“Babe.. babe, are you even listening to me? You love the water and your friends have a party all set up for you out on the boat. I think we should go.”

“Oh you mean they want to go party on my boat, do they? How nice of them” I reply as I snap out of my daze.

After a decade of working in a day job and writing on the side my dream finally came to fruition, I got a book deal which would propel my to the top of the New York Times bestseller list. Today was the 5 year anniversary of this. I had kept all of my old friends and was always proud of this. The only new person in my life was my fiance, but I didn’t trade my ex in for a new model like most people do. My ex actually broke up with me right before I hit paydirt so I didn’t have a choice but to wife a model. In the immortal words of Nelly, “What good is all the fame if you ain’t fuckin’ a model”

“Your friends love you” she said. “I love you. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s celebrate”

I look at the window, such a view of the ocean. I could’ve only dreamed of this a view years ago. A beautiful day though? I thought to myself. To me it looks like a storm is coming. Nevertheless I resist my paranoia and agree to go out on the water with them.

We walk up to my little yacht and everyone’s waiting for me. My best friend Gary, who I assume orchestrated this whole thing, due to the fact he’s the only one who knew the entry codes, is there with his girlfriend of the moment, she’s pretty but not his best, a little skinny for my taste, a little pale too. Gary is black, dark skinned and shorter, standing at about 5'7. He once aspired to lift weights professionally before I made it, after that he kind of just got complacent and rode my wave. It never bothered me though, its what I chased the dream for, so we could actually live life and not always have to work.

This topic is a subject that’s increasingly becoming a subject of fascination to me; are we working too much for arbitrary archaic reasons? and was actually the title of my most controversial blog post to date. Republicans thought I was calling for socialism, Democrats called me an anarchist. Really I was simply stating that all of our ancestors had created the wealth and resources to sustain us now and the monotony of forced labor just to survive is outdated and archaic. I’d never received so many death threats before. It’s part of the reason i agreed to the party. I just wanted to take my mind off of everything.

As my fiance and I walk out onto the bow of the boat we see the rest of the crew just sitting there. No music, no drinks, everyone is looking at each other not even out at the sea. It’s always so peaceful to me, I could never not stare at it.

I make my rounds and say what’s up to all of them.

Jamie, who i hadn’t seen in a while brought a smile to my face, She was 5'9 and couldn’t have weighed more than 120 lbs. She’d been surfing her whole adult life and had the body to go with it. I had tried to get with her once or twice but never gotten past the friend zone. Even when I found success, she’d have no parts of it. I loved her for that.

“How’ve you been my long lost friend?” I ask playfully. She looks back at me aloof with dead eyes and says.

“Pretty good.”

She must be high as hell i think. I have to remember to come back and get some of whatever she’s on, later I tell myself.

“Biggg Dogg” I yell at my homeboy Jason. “I knew your ol’ bitchass wouldn’t turn down a free party”. I dap him up and give him a hug. I met Jason a few years ago when he applied for my writing staff, he’s since become one of my top writers.

“I can’t complain my G” he replies.

He introduces me to his new girlfriend. I don’t realize this at first but I’ve actually had sex with her before… twice! I’m more preoccupied with what happened to his last girl. They’d been together for what had to of been years. I give him the look like what the fuck. He shoots me back the “shit happens” look. We laugh.

Most of the other people I only vaguely recognize. I lean over and whisper to my fiance. “Do you trust these people”? She puts her arm on mine to assure me everything’s fine. Somehow I don’t believe her…

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