why did i do this 2 myself (no way are we going 2 be friends)

musical accompaniment:

original draft written after a breakup, 10.30.2016

i was doing fine, wasn’t i?

i thought i was

for a long time i hated being alone, inside my own head

wasn’t a safe place

wasn’t a place i trusted

i broke down a few years ago, a real breakdown , a bad one

my friends watched it happen

but they didnt know what it was

they were all leaving anyway. that was part of it.

i wasn’t ok and then i knew i was going 2 be alone

and i couldnt face that

ive been on an island since then

there are good days and bad days on the island. sunny days, days where the water churns and i want 2 leave.

can’t leave

sometimes i see ships passing (other people, in this Clever Metaphor)

nobody ever stops. or i never leave. i can’t tell

i started smoking a lot of weed a few years ago bc that made being alone easier. i could just sit by myself in my thoughts and be mostly ok

you get better at this over time. i started to enjoy my own company more. would do things by myself, feel ok about it.

but it started 2 feel like i was just an observer

watching ppl & their lives

not ever directly interacting w any1 in any meaningful way

the truth is i have 2 be on the island

or at least thats what ive been telling myself the past few years. i have to make do bc i can’t trust anyone else to make me feel the way i need 2 feel 2 get by every day

cant rely on anyone

its so easy 2 see people as just walking rosebushes , full of thorns

lmao how pretentious

anyway. its true

i don’t trust other people

i don’t trust my friends i dont trust my family

i know every1 feels like this 2 some degree but i dont feel like there is a soul on this earth who understands where im at

ive been in my head so long things only make sense to me

coming out of it feels performative

people say u should always b yourself but

is it fair 2 ask others 2 meet me where im at? if i dont even know?

is it fair 2 want ppl 2 understand? is it just inevitable that no 1 really will?

im not trying 2 be a special snowflake. not trying 2 be different. in fact, im trying to be as “””””normal””””” as i can be

cant quite pull it off its not really me

i talk 2 my sister sometimes

she tells me that im really hard to define or explain. she says every aspect of my personality contradicts another

she says itd be really annoying if she didnt know it was genuine. lol

but i feel like thats mb true. the contradiction thing

esp where this is concerned

cant stand other ppl dont trust them cant stand to be alone.

bc thats the truth

for all my grandstanding, for all my wall building, for all the Emotional Self Reliance ive strived 4

i hate being alone

which is why i let this happen

ive been circling the point for a lot of words now

i let myself open up is what i did

i didnt even realize how carefully constructed the facade was until i started 2 take it down

felt things for the first time in a long time

not just romantic things but like, just, feelings, emotions

part of it was the medication i think and the other part was just a long-running campaign of denying myself any emotional reasoning

bc i cant trust my emotions, they get me into trouble

1 way or another i figured out how to largely avoid having them or feeling them to the fullest extent

all it took was one person and i totally threw that out the window lmao

it was reckless but part of it felt like

ok or natural, like it was supposed 2 happen, like i was supposed 2 come out of my shell u kno

i decided not 2 listen 2 the anxiety & the alarm bells telling me it was risky and dangerous & i was gonna get hurt opening up and feeling things. i wanted to be able to do it

& then every time i did it was validated or backed up. id go out on a limb and they would also be there and itd be fine and id be fine.

& im learning, recognizing the pattern, cataloguing these in my brain as “Key Examples Of It Going Fine”

i was just going with it for once in my life and it was turning out ok. i was starting 2 wonder if i had things all wrong, that i just needed 2 trust things and people more

bc thats the real fucking thing here is like

i let myself trust someone,

and i did it relatively quickly

i dunno if it was desperation or an arbitrary decision or if there was something abt them that made me feel it was ok but for whatever reason i did

and then it was validated in a lot of small ways

or at least i thought it was

until it just went away very suddenly

which it was bound 2 do

i knew it was gonna b like that & told myself it would b ok but Boy Was It Not Ok

i spent a month taking these things as proof that trusting my gut is ok sometimes and that i need 2 be like this more

but the problem was the ante kept being upped. u kept upping it.

IF U KNEW THEN Y DID U SAY THIS SHIT 2 ME.

thats the thing that gets me

mb im just a fool and im naive but that made me lean in more, thinking it was being reciprocated or like. at least not being wasted

i am a fool for trusting some1. people arent 2 be trusted i guess

its like u tripped me, emotionally

how r u gonna go 2 these lengths , coaxing me gently out of my highly constructed shell, out into tender vulnerability

and then be so nonchalant about it in telling me yr out

like ,haha yeah, i don’t like what we’ve been doing, what i’ve been doing

but lets be pals???????

wtf

im trying not 2 be mad @ u for it.

very difficult.

its like whiplash. being so closed off to ppl 4 so long

looking @ everyone from high up in my emotional giant robot

meeting someone, opening up very quickly,

taking steps onto the ice, being told the ice is thick,

then suddenly it isnt and everything was False & im right back where i was, lonely, miserable

but im feeling the things now bc i let myself uncork

so the lows are coming in big waves

and im really sinking into it and feeling every angle of this particular pain

& mad @ myself 4 it bc it didnt have 2 happen & it wasnt worth it

bc i was just a distraction 4 u!

here i thought i was learning something!

but u were just. playing around

its honestly not worth feeling so terrible about

a month isnt that much

4 weeks, 30 days

wasnt anything

werent together

(werent not together)

i say this but it was significant to me. maybe not for u. probably not for u.

im sure u felt awful, u were looking for something easy and i was a handful and not a fun one. of course u didn’t like it after 4 weeks. im only good on paper.

but i hadnt talked 2 someone like that in years,

hadnt held someones hand in years,

so im back by myself in my own head,

smoking a little weed again, trying 2 get right w myself again.