why did i do this 2 myself (no way are we going 2 be friends)
original draft written after a breakup, 10.30.2016
i was doing fine, wasn’t i?
i thought i was
for a long time i hated being alone, inside my own head
wasn’t a safe place
wasn’t a place i trusted
i broke down a few years ago, a real breakdown , a bad one
my friends watched it happen
but they didnt know what it was
they were all leaving anyway. that was part of it.
i wasn’t ok and then i knew i was going 2 be alone
and i couldnt face that
ive been on an island since then
there are good days and bad days on the island. sunny days, days where the water churns and i want 2 leave.
sometimes i see ships passing (other people, in this Clever Metaphor)
nobody ever stops. or i never leave. i can’t tell
i started smoking a lot of weed a few years ago bc that made being alone easier. i could just sit by myself in my thoughts and be mostly ok
you get better at this over time. i started to enjoy my own company more. would do things by myself, feel ok about it.
but it started 2 feel like i was just an observer
watching ppl & their lives
not ever directly interacting w any1 in any meaningful way
the truth is i have 2 be on the island
or at least thats what ive been telling myself the past few years. i have to make do bc i can’t trust anyone else to make me feel the way i need 2 feel 2 get by every day
cant rely on anyone
its so easy 2 see people as just walking rosebushes , full of thorns
lmao how pretentious
anyway. its true
i don’t trust other people
i don’t trust my friends i dont trust my family
i know every1 feels like this 2 some degree but i dont feel like there is a soul on this earth who understands where im at
ive been in my head so long things only make sense to me
coming out of it feels performative
people say u should always b yourself but
is it fair 2 ask others 2 meet me where im at? if i dont even know?
is it fair 2 want ppl 2 understand? is it just inevitable that no 1 really will?
im not trying 2 be a special snowflake. not trying 2 be different. in fact, im trying to be as “””””normal””””” as i can be
cant quite pull it off its not really me
i talk 2 my sister sometimes
she tells me that im really hard to define or explain. she says every aspect of my personality contradicts another
she says itd be really annoying if she didnt know it was genuine. lol
but i feel like thats mb true. the contradiction thing
esp where this is concerned
cant stand other ppl dont trust them cant stand to be alone.
bc thats the truth
for all my grandstanding, for all my wall building, for all the Emotional Self Reliance ive strived 4
i hate being alone
which is why i let this happen
ive been circling the point for a lot of words now
i let myself open up is what i did
i didnt even realize how carefully constructed the facade was until i started 2 take it down
felt things for the first time in a long time
not just romantic things but like, just, feelings, emotions
part of it was the medication i think and the other part was just a long-running campaign of denying myself any emotional reasoning
bc i cant trust my emotions, they get me into trouble
1 way or another i figured out how to largely avoid having them or feeling them to the fullest extent
all it took was one person and i totally threw that out the window lmao
it was reckless but part of it felt like
ok or natural, like it was supposed 2 happen, like i was supposed 2 come out of my shell u kno
i decided not 2 listen 2 the anxiety & the alarm bells telling me it was risky and dangerous & i was gonna get hurt opening up and feeling things. i wanted to be able to do it
& then every time i did it was validated or backed up. id go out on a limb and they would also be there and itd be fine and id be fine.
& im learning, recognizing the pattern, cataloguing these in my brain as “Key Examples Of It Going Fine”
i was just going with it for once in my life and it was turning out ok. i was starting 2 wonder if i had things all wrong, that i just needed 2 trust things and people more
bc thats the real fucking thing here is like
i let myself trust someone,
and i did it relatively quickly
i dunno if it was desperation or an arbitrary decision or if there was something abt them that made me feel it was ok but for whatever reason i did
and then it was validated in a lot of small ways
or at least i thought it was
until it just went away very suddenly
which it was bound 2 do
i knew it was gonna b like that & told myself it would b ok but Boy Was It Not Ok
i spent a month taking these things as proof that trusting my gut is ok sometimes and that i need 2 be like this more
but the problem was the ante kept being upped. u kept upping it.
IF U KNEW THEN Y DID U SAY THIS SHIT 2 ME.
thats the thing that gets me
mb im just a fool and im naive but that made me lean in more, thinking it was being reciprocated or like. at least not being wasted
i am a fool for trusting some1. people arent 2 be trusted i guess
its like u tripped me, emotionally
how r u gonna go 2 these lengths , coaxing me gently out of my highly constructed shell, out into tender vulnerability
and then be so nonchalant about it in telling me yr out
like ,haha yeah, i don’t like what we’ve been doing, what i’ve been doing
but lets be pals???????
im trying not 2 be mad @ u for it.
its like whiplash. being so closed off to ppl 4 so long
looking @ everyone from high up in my emotional giant robot
meeting someone, opening up very quickly,
taking steps onto the ice, being told the ice is thick,
then suddenly it isnt and everything was False & im right back where i was, lonely, miserable
but im feeling the things now bc i let myself uncork
so the lows are coming in big waves
and im really sinking into it and feeling every angle of this particular pain
& mad @ myself 4 it bc it didnt have 2 happen & it wasnt worth it
bc i was just a distraction 4 u!
here i thought i was learning something!
but u were just. playing around
its honestly not worth feeling so terrible about
a month isnt that much
4 weeks, 30 days
(werent not together)
i say this but it was significant to me. maybe not for u. probably not for u.
im sure u felt awful, u were looking for something easy and i was a handful and not a fun one. of course u didn’t like it after 4 weeks. im only good on paper.
but i hadnt talked 2 someone like that in years,
hadnt held someones hand in years,
so im back by myself in my own head,
smoking a little weed again, trying 2 get right w myself again.