Being Strong

Strong. How would you define that word? Who in your life would you describe as strong? I can say that I would describe myself as strong. Not in a big-headed kind of way, but in a “Yeah, I’m strong” with a shrug, kind of way. I would say a lot of people I come into contact with are strong. Family, friends, associates, neighbors, etc. Now, don’t think that being strong is all that, because in reality, it’s exhausting. From my personal experience, being strong is a love-hate thing. I can do for myself and others when needed, but sometimes I sit and question, when is someone going to do for me? I can’t help it, I’ll admit that. Not to be so selfish or conceded, but after doing for others for so long, it would be nice for me to just take a break. I find myself always doing for other people and going out of my way to help others out. Most of the time I do it out of the kindness of my heart and just to be generous, when I could be doing something else, like catching up on the latest episode of “Louder and Prouder”. I don’t mind doing for others. It actually makes me happy and it’s actually nice watching the relief come across another person’s face. What about when something devastating happens? I know I’m definitely the strong one when something like that happens. I can’t help but keep it together and let everyone else feel what they need to feel. It’s a bad habit of mine to just put my feelings and emotions on the back burner, because who else is going to be the pillar to hold everyone else up when they need to be held up? At some point I do have my moment. Most of the time I find my moments happening in the middle of the night, when everyone else is asleep, I silently cry in my bed, while clinching onto a bear I got just because from an ex-boyfriend. Or maybe in the shower; I let my tears and emotions mix with the water. I release them and they run down the drain. I can admit that I do feel better afterwards, but sometimes the hurt, loneliness, and sometimes fear is still there. Sometimes old emotions come back, and they can be harder to deal with than when the initial “event” occurred. Like when you go through a breakup from a person you unintentionally fell so deep in love with, it hurts reminiscing on what you had and the pain of not being able to just run and talk to them hurts, because deep down, they’re still the first person you want to run and tell every little detail to about something specific. Yet, you have to be strong and get through it and just keep moving with whatever is going on. Not to sound so crude, but what do the weak do? How often do they check in on the strong friend? How do they deal with the strong one when they can’t take it anymore? While I am the strong friend, I also find it extremely uncomfortable when others cry. Not all the time, but when someone cries to me, I’m uncomfortable. A girl I spoke with at school was telling me about something, I can’t remember what we were talking about, but something made her cry, and I was so uncomfortable. She cried to the point where she had a really bad runny nose, and it made me want to just slowly pick up my bag and back out of the room like one of those slow-mo moments Peter has in “Family Guy”. However, when it comes to my family and people, I’m extremely close to, I almost want to cry with them. I don’t because if I cry with them, it may make it worse. I am aware that crying is sometimes how people get what they’re really feeling out without words and that’s exactly what they needed, so they lean on me. I’m okay with that, really, but what about me? I know it seems like “Wow, okay we get it, we need to check on you to”, but honestly that’s not the point. The point is... Okay I’m not sure what the point is, but seriously, what about me? A few months ago, I woke up to about twenty missed calls from my granny and thirteen from my sister. At first, I thought I was turning off alarms that just kept going off. In reality, everyone was trying to get me to go get my mom from work because my dad was rushed to the hospital because he had a medical emergency. Imagine waking up to hearing that your sister, grandmom, and mom were all crying and trying to keep it together enough to talk on the phone. It’s heartbreaking. Thank God, he was okay, and got the proper medical care that he needed, but still, that’s a tough thing to have to hear, especially when your not just few minutes away, but hours away. A part of me felt guilty for a while because I was too tired from working so much to even register that it was my ringtone and not my alarm. Some would say I shouldn’t feel guilty, but to me I was ashamed of myself. I can admit that I work entirely too much. There were, and still are, times when I’ve asked to take off work so I can spend time with family and friends, and just get a break from working so much. That was the first time in a long time I actually leaned on someone else, rather than being the one to have to hold someone else up. I wasn’t strong in that moment and I felt as though I was allowed to be broken. Now by all accounts, I was still the one everyone turned to, and I made sure that everyone else was okay before I allowed myself to break. One thing that caused me to crack was the fact that that’s my dad. I’m a daddy’s girl, and a momma’s diva. My parents are two people, amongst a handful, that I do not play about. I’d go to war about my people. Yes, we are a close family, and we come as a package, so it’s either you take it or you leave it when it comes to us. I will always allow them to feel what they’re feeling in that moment, and I’d happily be the strong one for everyone else when something happens to any and all of us. I was asked “So, how do you feel right now?”. That question broke me. I felt helpless. Knowing that I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t be there to help him, I was hours away and I had to sit and wait for the information to be passed along to me. Having to sit in my bed, and practically be a sitting duck was and is not something I’m used to, so I was way out of my element. The biggest thing that I felt was disappointment within myself. I couldn’t help but question myself as a daughter. Why did I allow myself to work so hard for a company that basically sees me as a number, and be so tired that I couldn’t distinguish the difference between a ringtone and an alarm? I let myself be so consumed in not wanting to rely on my parents, and earn my own money so they didn’t have to shell out towards me, that I overworked myself. That wasn’t me, I don’t typically let anything get in between me and the people that I love, because I know what’s more important, and working an extra shift wasn’t more important than being there for those I love and who love me. I question, if you’re not there for those you say you love, can you really be mad that they’re not there for you? Especially when they really needed you, and you chose not to be there for them. When my sister, from a different mister, mom passed away, I dropped everything and went straight to her. Her mother was her best friend and I couldn’t imagine the pain that she was feeling. I knew that she was the strong one of their family unit. She took care of her mom, her dad, and herself. To this day, she still takes care of her father, even though she’s the youngest, to me she’s the strongest. She acts as a parent and a caretaker, even though she has an older sibling that could help out. Granted, her sibling lives in a different state, but that’s by choice. They chose to be elsewhere, when the blood that is most like her is miles and miles away. Now don’t get me wrong, people deal with grief differently, but why choose to be miles and miles away? Why leave when the people who feel what you feel the most are together, but you decide to leave and be away from them. I’m not saying it’s wrong or anything like that, but if I were them, I can’t see being away. I may be condemned to hell for that, but I’m not saying their way of is grieving wrong. When my grandfather passed away, I didn’t want to leave my grandmother alone in that house by herself. I wanted to stay so I could keep an eye on her and be strong for her and let her know that it’s okay for her to break when she needed to, rather it be every day, every other day, once a week; whatever and whenever she needed me, I wanted to be there. I was a freshman in high school, so I had no choice but to leave. I had school waiting for me and a throwing team that counted on me to be back in time for a competition, so we could get points for our school. Obligations that I made prior were on the brim, but I was blessed enough to have understanding coaches and teachers. Well, all but one. She wasn’t too happy about me missing three days of school so I could properly lay my grandfather to rest, so just to make it all the better for her, I made it four days. Being strong is nice to a certain degree, but I can’t sit here and say it’s healthy. It’s great to be reliable and be there for people who know that they can depend on you without a second thought, but after so long, it takes a toll on you mentally. If you are the strong friend, find you a strong friend. If you aren’t the strong friend, check in on that strong friend. It’s okay to lean on someone else for a change, to let yourself be vulnerable. It’ll help you realize that even though it’s something that you’re not used to, that even the strongest of them all had to fall. One thing that I know for sure is that when you let everything build up, the farther it has to fall and the harder it hits when they spill over. Allow yourself to fall every now and then, just so you don’t have to hold it in and let everything come out at once. It’s kind of like when everything makes you angry, and that last straw gets to you, and that person who pulled the short straw takes on your anger that should’ve been directed towards whoever made you mad for whatever reason. Being strong isn’t as bad as it may seem though; it’s sort of like being a tree, you’re rooted within yourself and others. So, let’s say your the trunk of said tree, take a step back and figure out which one of those roots is strong enough to become a tree momentarily so you can lean onto them.