What I learned when my heart was broken
I once heard that, when your heart breaks, it actually breaks open, which allows you to look inside and learn important lessons.
Honestly, if anyone had told me this in the rage of one of the many crisis I lived years ago, I would certainly complain about such an inappropriate lack of empathy. Today, I am able to share a couple of things I learned coping with the pain of those moments.
My relationship with love was all twisted
I found out that there is a part of myself that will only feel loved if I love it. Avoiding rejection, I sought for other’s people love as a validation that I was worth it. So when I was cheated on or just not appreciated the way I expected, deep inside I could hear that voice mocking “I told you so…”. And then there I was, heading up into meaningless sex, exhilarating drinking at parties or maybe even another round of that unhealthy relationship. I realized that all of those things were me desperately trying to fill up an emptiness inside me.
Until I decided to go to that (supposedly) empty place.
What is the most precious thing in me
Almost two years ago, I caught myself living a pre-breaking-heart situation that I had lived repeatedly before. Seriously, I couldn’t even remember the amount of times that I had enacted the same scene over and over the previous years. And then I asked, what if I just.. let it go?
Somehow, inside of me, I knew that keeping a relationship was not what my heart was craving for. It just. Wanted. Peace. That moment was the one that I was actually deciding to love myself first rather then expecting another person to do it. Because, clearly, that was not working.
I can’t tell you how freaking liberating that was. It was also scary, really scary, but once you know it there is no turning back. My soul was basically saying: “dude, we deserve love. And if this one that is being given to us has that much side effects, hell no, let it go and we’ll figure it out, there is enough inside.” Then, I caught myself saying “I am enough.” And this truth changed my life, because I knew for sure since then, that I had inside of me everything that I needed.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I still crave for connection, but I believe that when you reach out to connect it is to be more rather than being enough. Real connection for me became an enabling way to be true and vulnerable rather than a permission to fit in, in exchange for volatile belonging.
Forgiveness has a lot to do with how I perceive myself
Eventually, I also needed to deal with healing the wounds left by others. And I invested a lot of time trying to release whoever hurt me, sometimes even numbing your own anger, just to later find out that when I kept asking “How come did he do this to me?” supposedly trying to understand, I was actually doubting again: “Am I really enough? Because if I were, I wouldn’t have gotten this hurt.”
Then, again, I needed to forgive myself first before I could discharge a brother.
Boundaries make me more human
After being threaten, we normally hide and protect whatever valuable things we have. Without anyone telling me, though, I knew that this sacred part of me is the one that I need to make vulnerable again. I just learned more of my own terms, but real connection still requires vulnerability. The non negotiable points are more clear now. Boundaries are actually our own way to say “Fragile: handle with care.” Then handing over our heart to another adventure.
And before we keep on going on our paths throughout the day, let me just clarify 3 things:
- All this applies not only to romantic relationships but even to projects that you put your soul on.
- You don’t need to learn through pain, but if it hurts, there is certainly a lesson to be learned there.
- It is worth it. And I wish you are able to see the person you became and be genuinely grateful for whatever brought you here.
For this is the magic of love, it makes me more human, because even when my heart was broken, it was just learning how to connect, never giving up on being whole.
