Dear (ex) friend

Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash

Dear (ex) friend,

We were inseparable. Now we’re irreparable.

If there’s one major regret that I have in my life, it’s knowing you and not realizing who you truly were. If I’d known, I’d have never been your friend. A lot of things would’ve turned out quite differently, had we never been friends. For starters, my obsession with a certain boyband wouldn’t have gotten so extreme and my sense of self wouldn’t have gotten so distorted along the way that after a point, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Was it worth it? Ruining my self esteem as you boosted yours by constantly putting me down. Did it make you feel good about yourself? Honestly, I hope it did. Because I’m hoping all your bullsh** had a point to it. For me, it was all just a big play where you controlled my strings and made me dance around like the puppet I was to you.

I’m not upset. I’m not sad or regretful. But I am disappointed. I feel dejected. Because the one person I thought I could trust, and love, the one person I thought was going to be my forever, betrayed me, in such harsh, unimaginable ways that I felt traumatized. You really tore me apart. And the worst part is, I don’t know why you did it. And I’ll never know. Because I’ll never ask. Maybe that’s my fault. But it’s okay. I can’t get tangled in your web of negativity anymore. I can’t.

I forgive you though. For all the damage you’ve caused. Because I know it’s just who you are. And I’m the one who should apologize because I knew who you were and I still got close to you, I still let you get under my skin and mutilate me into a nothing. I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry for knowing you and having spent four dreadful years under your shadow because I learned a lot. You taught me to love myself, appreciate myself for who I was, you taught me to stand up on my two feet and more than anything else, you taught me how to let go. Because letting you go was the hardest thing I ever did. But I did it. Because your toxicity was more than I could take.

I can’t even begin talking about your toxic behavior. It was borderline insane. And it threatened my sanity too. You were deranged, self-depreciatory, jealous, insecure, and tumultuous in the worst possible way. And I couldn’t keep up. Your antics, and episodes only got worse over the years. And you dragged me with you, every single time. I was never insecure of you, but you still found a reason to put me down. You found reasons to make me hate myself by pointing out my flaws, knowing fully well I was already conscious of them. You disapproved of my choices, even though they had nothing to do with you. And you insisted I ask you for advice, because deep down, you just wanted another chance to smother my self esteem. Well, you were successful. So congratulations. I hope it made you feel great.

You were manipulative and emotionally abusive. You controlled me and convinced me into thinking that you were always right. Your selfishness knew no bounds and it coerced me into considering your opinion as superior to mine. It screwed me up. You made me fight with almost all my friends, always convincing me they weren’t my true friends when you didn’t even know them. You really are a mastermind.

You might have been brilliant at what you did. But I’m better. I walked away. I walked away from your negativity and the dark cloud that was over my head suddenly became white with glistening sunlight and positivity.

Goodbye old friend. I hope I never see you again.