Leadership Journal: How to Create Intimacy
Two teenagers were having an argument. They both wanted an orange, but there was only one left.
”I want it!”
”No, I do!”
Their mother heard them arguing and went to see what was going on.
“How about you split it?”
They both asserted,
“No! I need the whole orange.”
They were devising all kinds of “fair” ways to see who would get the orange. Rock, paper, scissors. Flipping a coin. Drawing straws. But they couldn’t agree on how to decide who should get the orange.
After listening to all of this, their mother said,
“Well, what do you need the orange for?”
”I need the juice for my smoothie.”
”I need the rind for my cake”
Suddenly the teenagers looked at each other and started laughing. They each could have the whole orange! One would take the juice, and the other would take the rind.
It took their mother asking the right question and their listening to the answer to solve what seemed an impossible dilemma.
Have you experienced the same case in your workplace? Be it your teammates, managers, or subordinates making the same fuss. Seeing them having conflicting needs and it seems the only solution is taking a side to conclude who has the right to win it.
This kind of chaos happens all the time at work, at home, and maybe in the family or in a relationship.
Some problems get complicated and have their own complexity, but some of them might be just a simple conflict. We can solve it without having to take a side and making the other person sad about it for not having what they want.
Some problems can be solved simply by taking a step back, see the bigger picture and LISTEN to it carefully.
Listening is a skill, we are not naturally born with it. You don’t see a toddler going, “So, Ben, let’s have some coffee and tell me why you need the orange so bad?”. Remember, effective listening is a learned art. Only by more practice, you will get better at it.
Some people listen to reply, they eagerly wait for some pause in the conversation to respond. Sometimes people just need to be listened to, not lectured.
As a leader, we are demanded to do most of the talking. Whether it’s a preparation talk, motivating teammates, asserting some rules, or some kind.
We live in a world in which we — as a leader — are often perceived as the “always right” person and others have to listen to us even though we might be in a mistake.
The concept of authority and hierarchy gives us the trophy to be believed and whatever we say is “true”.
Communication inside a team is usually going from the top-down, no surprise there. But what if the employees can’t send their messages back to the top? What would happen?
FRUSTRATION
We don’t listen enough, too busy preparing our responses, minding other business, or keep checking our phones. The problem is when others notice we are a bad listener. It would create a feeling of distrust, dishonesty, uninspiring, or being left out to our team.
Don’t be surprised when nobody talks to us anymore, no communications being initiated. No communication means no relationship being built. No relationship means no intimacy.
Intimacy creates influence, it creates understanding between parties. When we understand each other, we will move together on a paved road. Bear in mind there is no guarantee the paved road is free from obstacles, but for sure it will be faster, and easier to overcome it together than individually. We can go far by being together.
A team is just a bunch of people thriving toward the same goal.
A leader is someone who inspires the team, creates a safe environment, herds the crowd so nobody strays out too far, and makes sure the herd keeps moving toward the goal.
Without intimacy, nobody would follow us, nobody going to trust us, and nobody feels inspired to reach the goal, all we have is just a bunch of lazy Snorlax. Nothing good would come out of it.
We need to get intimate, it will drain you hard, and at the end of the day, you will feel exhausted like your soul has been pulled out of your body. That’s the price you have to pay, trust me, the result will be worth the price.
Here are some ways we can do to create intimacy between ourselves and our team.
- Schedule a one-on-one meeting (1:1)
- Treat People Like the Individuals They Are
- Make Sure Each Member Contributes to the Goal
- Listen
One-on-One (1:1)
Remember, the skill you use to get where you are right now (from individual contributor to the team leader) is not the same skill required to lead. Some of them might be useful, but not all of them, or even the same at all.
For example, before leading a team, you can work by yourself with minimum interaction and collaboration with your or another team member, you can do it just fine day by day. But not when you are a leader.
As a good leader, you have to “touch” all of your team members, and other team members to create a productive environment for your team.
This is your new responsibility, the environment you create will help your teamwork effectively, knowing where to get what and from who is the best collaboration in a workplace.
Now, ask yourself, how can you create that kind of environment if you don’t understand what each of your team members needs?
Without knowing what your team needs, you will only create chaos by mixing unnecessary things around your team, making them busy but not productive. I saw this happen right before my eyes and it was truly chaotic.
When you mix things without purpose, people will start doing things without priority, they will look “busy” but nothing gets done. That’s why you need to understand each of your team’s strengths, and weaknesses and how to treat them to “orchestrate” them beautifully.
A one-on-one meeting is when you really listen and reconcile what they want and what you want. Somehow it’s not always aligned, this is the place and time where you can put everything back in the same line. Here are some things you should do in a one-on-one meeting to reconcile each other’s needs :
- How do you feel working with me?
- What do you think we are doing or going right now? And how would you achieve it?
- OK. This is what I want (it’s your turn to tell what your purpose really is and how we should achieve it)
- What can I help to make you achieve the purpose?
The first question will tell us if the person is happy, sad, or confused while working under or with us. You need to know how they feel and understand why they feel that way. Keep doing what you are doing if they feel happy, and ask for evaluation if they feel bad (sad, depressed, frustrated). Keeping your team happy and engaged is one of the ways to improve productivity.
The second question is the first step to reconciling. We should align what we want and what they want, don’t let it be different. If the purpose is aligned with yours, go for the fourth question to give support, else go for the third one.
The third point is not a question, it’s more of storytelling. Try to tell them what you really want to achieve and why it is important. Emphasize it. Remember, one of the effective ways to persuade people is by telling them the reason behind it.
Don’t make things up, tell them facts, people can smell lies, dramatize it if you can, and also don’t forget to tell them about the impact after achieving the goal, it will give them more reason to get in line.
After everything is set, offer your support. As a leader, we are no other than a disguised “servant”. We serve and ask what people need so they can achieve the goal.
If there’s a problem mentioned, don’t leave them in the trench alone, be there for them and make the problem be the enemy by making sure you’re on the same side with them. By doing that, we create intimacy between you and your team member, you will also provoke cooperation and collaboration with others to help your team achieve goals.
Treat People Like the Individuals They Are
When individuals work together as a team, their individual uniqueness doesn’t suddenly vanish. They are still unique and have different personalities. They still have different traits. They still have different dreams, hopes, and fears. They still have different specialties. A good leader will notice the differences, appreciate them and use them to the advantage of the team.
There is a story when I treat a non-performing team leader by taking away his little project from him if he doesn’t perform in the way I want. For most team leaders, removing a project from them is a luxury, it means one less project to be maintained and responsible for, but not for this one.
He was furious and it hits him hard, I know this because he is the kind of person that bonded deeply with his own creation. It would break him to take away the things that he has created from scratch.
I made a “motivation” for him to thrive more by taking the project as a “hostage”.
Keep in mind that every individual still has their own strengths and weaknesses, use them to their own advantage. It would be wrong to exploit for personal advantage, that’s the one thing that differentiates us from the bad guy. We manage their weakness for their own good. It’s like carrot and stick, but eventually, we will give them the carrot as a reward.
Make Sure Each Member Contributes to the Goal
People need to see their contribution to be noticed. Make them feel important. Wait, let me rephrase it, make sure all of the contributions from each of the members are noticed, so they can see and feel that they are contributing to something useful. Do it sincerely and they will devote their attention and energy to the task at hand.
People need to feel like they really belong in the project and are part of the team. Provoke participations. Let as many ideas and solutions bubble up from the group. Point out the pro and cons for each decision that comes up, and let them decide which one is the best. If there’s much time left, try not to dictate solutions, and don’t insist that things be done in a certain way. Sometimes they know better than we do. Your job and only job is to review and validate it so they don’t stray too far or fall into the same hole you’ve experienced before.
Listen
Listening is a rare skill to be seen nowadays, people have polarized opinions and won’t listen to other person’s perspectives anymore. They are being fed their preferences from social media for years, they only see what they liked before, and it’s not pleasant for them to hear the opposite opinion or perspectives.
When the team gets used to 1–1 meeting and they feel comfy with you as their leader, they will come to you without hesitation when something goes south or even when they just feel like telling a story. Listen to them, it’s part of the serving activity, a part of being a good leader, and of course a chance to build intimacy. You will understand them deeper and know them well.
Use open-ended questions to keep the story flowing. It’s the kind of question that doesn’t end with a simple yes or no answer.
For example, when you want to know how is the holiday going you can ask with a close-ended style such as “was the holiday good?” or “were you having a good time on the holiday?” you will force them to answer with only “yes, it was good.” or “yes, of course, I had a good time.”
Or you can rephrase the question with an open-ended style “how do you feel about your holiday?” or just simply “how was your holiday went? Tell me about it”. By doing it you will hear them telling you stories, let it flow, and don’t cut them while talking.
Creating intimacy with your team is not an easy job. It would take up your schedule, drain your energies, and even interrupt your personal space if you allow it.
But I promise you the result will worth the effort. You will have team engagement, motivated teammates, a bond, and of course intimate relationship with them that would last more than your professional life (again, if you allow it).
I hope this writing can help you create intimacy with your team and lead well.
Check out my other thought on leadership :
