The one where the victim bonds with the offender.

Have you seen people go back to forming close relationships with the ones who abused them? Did your consistent efforts to save them from the adverse consequences go in vain?
Well, their behavior does seem quite questionable and puts the helper in a tight spot. But this is an actual response by the victim, called trauma bonding.

What is Trauma Bonding?
It is a psychological response to abuse where the abuser forms a close bond with the abuser. The victim grows to be sympathetic towards the abuser, which takes place after repetitive abusive episodes when the abusee feels guilt and regret.
Stockholm syndrome is also a subtype of trauma bonding. Here, the individuals fall as their persecutors instead.
A trauma bond is a connection between the offender and the individual they maltreat. The bond can exist for prolonged periods, continuing the vicious cycle of abuse. Leaving an abusive relationship comes with a handful of problems. One’s own needs for security, affection, love, and affiliation get dismissed.
Most vituperative relationships start with immense endearment and tenderness. Therefore, it becomes quite natural for a close bond to develop with someone who treats you well. The attachment with the trauma inducer develops out of a recurring cycle of abuse, devaluation by the abuser, and positive reinforcements. These factors make the victim savor the positive and early moments of the relationship, which overpower reality, making the abusee expect a considerable change in the abuser.

• Signs:
  >Abuse gets justified by the abusee.
  >The victim gets influenced by the abuser into believing the reasons behind the offensive act.
  >Trying to defend the abuser and justifying their actions
  >Disagreeing and maintaining a distance from anyone who tried to help the victim
  >Aggressiveness and frustration when someone intervenes to help
  >Lying about the abuse
  >Discomfort and anxiety concerning leaving the relationship
  >Denial of red flags

• Stages:
  ♦ Love bombing- involves an extreme display of both attention and affection to cover up for the bomber’s actions and make the victim dependent.
  ♦ Gaining trust- this happens by ultimately making the victim feel guilty for confronting their partner.
  ♦ Criticism- some of the qualities of the victim are proven to be problematic and happen mostly after the love-bombing stage.
  ♦ Gaslighting- manipulating someone into questioning themselves (their sanity, their actions, and responses). Feelings of guilt, shame, remorse, and self-doubt are associated.
  ♦ Manipulating – control or influence someone intentionally, but with cleverness.
  Resignation- the victim surrenders to the acts of the offender.
  ♦ Loss of self- impairment with the relationship shared with oneself and others. The feeling of being distant and disconnected from the world.
  ♦ Repetition- the victim gets addicted to the cycle.

• Causes of trauma bonding:
  Trauma bonding can happen in any abusive relationship and isn't confined to a particular period. Trauma bonds are a result of acts based on sheer survival instincts. The victim becomes dependent on the abuser. The continuous cycle of fake promises and trust-gaining acts, along with the abuse, creates a complex emotional state.
• Risk Factor:
  Attachment insecurity, childhood maltreatment, abusive relationships in childhood, a lack of social support, and esteem issues are some risk factors for trauma bonding.

• Impact:
  ~ Choosing to stay with the abuse despite their consistent wrongdoing
  ~ Low self-esteem
  ~ Self-doubt
  ~ Depression
  ~ Anxiety
  ~ PTSD
  ~ Sleep Problems
  ~ Loneliness
  ~ Hypertension
  ~ Diabetes
  ~ Suicidal Thoughts
  ~ Distorted self-image
  ~ Questioning rationality

• Breaking the bonds:
  Coming out of an abusive relationship can be a difficult task, and if it results in the formation of trauma bonds, it can lead to more complexities. The following pointer can help one break the chain:
  • Focus on the present : acknowledge the current situation and the effect it has. Paise and reflect on it, and try to rationalize things.
  • Engage in self-care to reduce stress and channel the need to seek comfort from the abuser.
  • Implementing positive self-talk : lowered self-esteem can make an individual have twisted and skewed thoughts about themselves. Positive self-talk can boost one’s confidence, and I still feel a sense of independence.
  • Learn about the difference between healthy and toxic relationships.
  • Create a plan to ensure emotional, mental, monetary, and physical safety and security.

With the help of therapy and support groups, one can overcome trauma bonding and achieve a better life for themselves.

*Note for family and friends of the victims: It’s hard to come out of traumatic and abusive relationships. Be a bit empathetic and understanding towards the abusees. Create a safe space for them. Try rationalizing things for them slowly and work at their pace. Do not bombard advice on them.

If you are a victim of trauma bonding or any sort of abusive relationship, feel free to seek professional help. It can be hard to be in a toxic and abusive relationship. You’re not alone in this♥ You matter♥

This article was written for my internship with @krshwelfarefoundation .