Intimacy — Healing self and the other
Deep down, we all want intimacy, but at the same time, a fear comes with it.
And that’s the thing…
Most of us are afraid of intimacy. Whether we may realise it or not but we are.
“And why would you assume that ?”
Because intimacy means exposing yourself entirely. With all your flaws/ shortcomings/insecurities.
To be intimate is to be vulnerable. You have to drop your defences.
You have to be open.
You have to be naked, not only physically but psychologically as well. And that’s what we are afraid of.
We are afraid of being hurt.
When you are open and vulnerable, you are also open to being hurt. And that’s something that we all want to avoid.
“ Be vulnerable? Are you crazy? Vulnerability is the last thing you want in a relationship!
So, is it really worth taking the risk of being vulnerable in front of someone to develop intimacy ?”
- You probably
Yes. It is worth it. Let us understand why intimacy is needed in the first place.
Why do we need intimacy?
Why do we need intimacy?
Well, without it, we would be pretty lonely creatures, wouldn’t we?
-Me probably
That’s right. We are pretty damn alone in this universe, aren’t we?
If you don't have someone you can trust and open all your wounds to, you can’t help but feel alone even if you are surrounded by all the people you call friends.
Intimacy is a basic and fundamental need. This is because:
- No one has ever walked on this earth without mental wounds.
- Wounds cannot heal unless they are opened up. If you hide the wounds, they become cancerous.
- When you open up the wounds, intimacy arises, and it heals them in turn.
Alright, so this is what I have understood :
- Intimacy is a basic need
- Vulnerability and openness are needed to develop intimacy
But I am just too afraid to be vulnerable and open. Too afraid to get hurt and be judged by people.
— The reader
And that’s where the problem arises. We all want intimacy, but we are all afraid of it. So very afraid. The meme below is a pretty good representation of our collective psychological fears.
The fears related to being vulnerable and exposing oneself are killing all the possibility of intimacy. Can something be done about the fears?
Yes, absolutely. Here is where you can start :
Accepting Yourself
Before anything else, you have to accept yourself in totality.
Not partially, but totally. With all your flaws and imperfections. Because if you cannot accept yourself, how can you expect others to accept you?
I know it is hard to accept yourself in totality because throughout your lives you have been told that something or the other is wrong with you. You have been condemned by the people around you.
The truth is: Nothing is wrong with you. There has never been anything wrong with you to begin with, nor there ever will be.
“And why would you say that? I have never been able to be authentic in front of anyone really because I have been afraid of what the other might think.”
Remember that: You are the product of society. So if the society puts you down for your ugliness and your perversions, remember that the society is indirectly criticising itself.
Society condemns itself.
So, Accept Yourself! Live, rather than think of being remembered.
Accept yourself in your totality.
To accept oneself is to be oneself.
To be oneself is to be content.
To be content is to be at peace.
And when you are at peace, there are no fears.
Now there is a possibility of intimacy.
When you open up to the other with authenticity, you encourage the other person to be open and authentic as well. And when both the individuals can be open and authentic with each other without fear; then there is intimacy.
But for that, you have to accept yourself in totality first.
Once you accept yourself in TOTALITY, all you now have to do is:
Open your heart
“Hey Aryan !”
Um, yeah?
“You want to hear a joke?”
yeah ofcourse, why not !!
“Why did the heart stop beating?”
I don’t know, you tell me?
“Because it needed a damn break !”
“It needed a damn break from all the hurt it had received from the people around it.”
I know you are hurt. We all have been.
But like I said earlier, if you don’t open your wounds, they won't heal.
When you open your heart, everyone becomes a guest. Everyone can come in; rest in your heart. Your heart becomes a temple, a resting place for all the people wounded by life, tired and in pain.
A home for those who have nowhere to go.
A church for those who have lost their faith.
A school for those who want to inquire and find out the truth.
A market for those who want to barter and trade. And in this market, the currency is love.
And when the heart opens,
Then there is intimacy.
Then there is love.
Without intimacy, you are all alone here among the strangers.
And with intimacy…
You create a paradise for yourself and the people around you.
Tl;dr :
Self Acceptance + Open Heart => Intimacy
Hope this article helped you understand what intimacy is and how it can flourish.
Understand that the first step is accepting yourself in totality, you beautiful human!
This article is an invitation to open your hearts.
-Aryan
