The Tortoise and the Chair

There once lived a tortoise.

He lived alone, in a big wood house in the wilderness. Everyday, the tortoise would wake from his bed at 6:00 AM, make a breakfast of eggs, blueberry pancakes, and turkey bacon, and enjoy this meal on the back porch, facing a big blue lake. After breakfast, the tortoise would read Reddit for 30 minutes before taking an early morning swim. The tortoise would swim happily, listening to his favorite podcasts, before taking a shower, packing his lunch, and going to work for the day. Then, at the end of the day, the tortoise would buy pizza, bring it home, then eat it before going to bed, only to repeat the same day again the next day.

The tortoise loved swimming, Reddit, podcasts, blueberry pancakes, pizza, eggs, his job, his bed and his home alone in the wilderness. But most of all, the tortoise loved his the combination. He loved that he found something so perfect for him, and him specifically. He loved that there was no one there that he had to share it with. He loved that, at the end of the day, he was happy with his life.

On one particular day, the tortoise awoke. He made breakfast, went outside, ate it, then turned on his laptop to read Reddit. On Reddit, the tortoise saw a thread about a chair. This chair thread had thousands of upvotes, so he wondered why and read the comments. Apparently, the chair was one of a kind. Made out of black leather, cheese, Febreeze, 100 4th Generation iPhones, Plexiglas, and gamma radiation, the chair could apparently transport you to wherever you wanted to go. He read comments saying, “Wow, I would love to take it to Paris!”, “That chair seems awesome for picking up ladies” and “Man, I could go to space with that chair!”.

But the tortoise didn’t understand. “Where would I travel with this chair?” he said. He continued, “What do I want? What do I need? Where would I go?” Eventually, the tortoise answered “No where,” definitively.

Then he went for his swim.