76 Thoughts I Had During My First Bikram Yoga Class

I’ve always considered myself a relatively athletic person. I spent my high school years flitting through soccer practice and track meets. I know how to lift weights (relatively), I run, I’ve taken spin classes, I LOVE to dance, and if you were like “Hey Audrey do you want to go on a 3 mile hike???????” I’d be like “Yeah let’s do 5 miles!” (I wrote that and wanted to punch my own self in the face). So, when I perused Groupon and found a Bikram Yoga Studio a few blocks from work with a manageable monthly unlimited cost, I said sign me the f-word UP.

BOY WAS I IN FOR A FUCKING RIDE.

I *thought* I was an athletic person. Oh, what a cute *thought* I had. Listen, I’ve done three-a-day soccer practices for preseason. I placed 4th in the state of Pennsylvania for track. My high school soccer coaches were emotionally unstable. I’ve been through some real shit with athletics.

Nothing. That was n o t h i n g.

Without further ado:

  1. nice and toasty in here!!
  2. everyone’s taking a lil nap before class so cute
  3. we’re all toast together. Ha! Human toast
  4. I’m so weird?
  5. Where do I put my mat omg I’m so overwhelmed
  6. Okay good right here, love it
  7. I’ve made a terrible mistake
  8. Will it look weird if I move it? Yep? Okay just gonna go ahead and scoot this back to the middle
  9. That made the most possible noise. Good.
  10. I am WARM
  11. I am next to some guys FEET.
  12. Can’t move again that is socially unacceptable.
  13. Stuck with feet guy. Good.
  14. *takes shirt off* oh nice! Channeling a potato today. Love it ❤
  15. Should I just lay here?
  16. Is class starting soon
  17. I have to do laundry
  18. I’m such an adult!! HA!
  19. Oh and here we go we are standing
  20. How does everyone know how to do this already
  21. Just doing these arm thingys haha such a yogi look at me go
  22. Everyone’s making a terrible noise stop it
  23. You all sound like ghouls
  24. Is this the part where I get murdered
  25. It’s gotten warmer
  26. THE TOAST IS BURNING
  27. Ha, human toast
  28. Oh now we are bending down
  29. You want me to what
  30. No
  31. Okay

32.

33. Oh my GOD I need to be SERIOUS

34. Focus!!!!!!!!!!!

35. We are ramping it the f up okay lets go

36. We’re 23 minutes in and I am dripping

37. DRIPPING

38. I am a boiled potato

39. “And we’re just going to breathe in and bend forward, moving past the point of your flexibility…” excuse me what

40. People are lying down and taking breaks all over this place

41. I don’t need no break

42. *4 minutes later* I am breaking

43. How long is it acceptable to lie here

44. Okay I can do this here we go

45. Feet guy is just pouring water all over himself

46. My water bottle is so loud everyone is looking

47.

48. This is what I get for stealing my roommates water bottle

49. There is more water around feet guys mat than there was in DC this whole summer

50. Gross the puddle is on the move

51. Its so close to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

52. This is so hard!!!!!!

53. When does it end!!!!!!!!!

54. Oh my GOD!

55. Is this safe??????

56. No wonder the instructor told me “you’ll never do that again before class” when I told her I drank coffee earlier today

57. Every liquid in my body I’ve ever drank in my entire life is dripping out of me

58. We are all disgusting together

59. “And if you can grab the back of your ankle with your hand…” Okay the back of my ankle is a puddle

60.Are we slowing down? Oh? Oh no, okay

61. Sports bra looks like I jumped into a pool

62. You can see everything don’t mind me

63. Free the nipple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

64. I need to take it down to a 4

65. Wow the room is spinning I’m just gonna sit for a minute

66. Why am I breathing so hard we’ve just been standing in weird positions for an hour

67. Live the puddle, be the puddle

68. Okay feet guy watch your feet

69. THAT’S MY FACE

70. It doesn’t matter anymore

71. Nothing really matters anymore

72. Oh! We’re stretching okay the end is near

73. am i chi yet

70. We are laying, I’m literally immobile

72. I thought I was going to walk home

73. I am a joke

74. But like a successful joke

75. No amount of showering will wash me of this

76. Oh it’s over!!!!!!!! God Bless America Land That I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It took me another 30 minutes of sitting in different chairs around the studio to work up the energy to find my way home. My ass was whooped, and I lost at least 4 pounds in water/vodka/and La Croix weight. Bikram Yoga man, not even once*.

(*but I did sign up for another class tomorrow)

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