76 Thoughts I Had During My First Bikram Yoga Class
I’ve always considered myself a relatively athletic person. I spent my high school years flitting through soccer practice and track meets. I know how to lift weights (relatively), I run, I’ve taken spin classes, I LOVE to dance, and if you were like “Hey Audrey do you want to go on a 3 mile hike???????” I’d be like “Yeah let’s do 5 miles!” (I wrote that and wanted to punch my own self in the face). So, when I perused Groupon and found a Bikram Yoga Studio a few blocks from work with a manageable monthly unlimited cost, I said sign me the f-word UP.
BOY WAS I IN FOR A FUCKING RIDE.
I *thought* I was an athletic person. Oh, what a cute *thought* I had. Listen, I’ve done three-a-day soccer practices for preseason. I placed 4th in the state of Pennsylvania for track. My high school soccer coaches were emotionally unstable. I’ve been through some real shit with athletics.
Nothing. That was n o t h i n g.
Without further ado:
- nice and toasty in here!!
- everyone’s taking a lil nap before class so cute
- we’re all toast together. Ha! Human toast
- I’m so weird?
- Where do I put my mat omg I’m so overwhelmed
- Okay good right here, love it
- I’ve made a terrible mistake
- Will it look weird if I move it? Yep? Okay just gonna go ahead and scoot this back to the middle
- That made the most possible noise. Good.
- I am WARM
- I am next to some guys FEET.
- Can’t move again that is socially unacceptable.
- Stuck with feet guy. Good.
- *takes shirt off* oh nice! Channeling a potato today. Love it ❤
- Should I just lay here?
- Is class starting soon
- I have to do laundry
- I’m such an adult!! HA!
- Oh and here we go we are standing
- How does everyone know how to do this already
- Just doing these arm thingys haha such a yogi look at me go
- Everyone’s making a terrible noise stop it
- You all sound like ghouls
- Is this the part where I get murdered
- It’s gotten warmer
- THE TOAST IS BURNING
- Ha, human toast
- Oh now we are bending down
- You want me to what
33. Oh my GOD I need to be SERIOUS
35. We are ramping it the f up okay lets go
36. We’re 23 minutes in and I am dripping
38. I am a boiled potato
39. “And we’re just going to breathe in and bend forward, moving past the point of your flexibility…” excuse me what
40. People are lying down and taking breaks all over this place
41. I don’t need no break
42. *4 minutes later* I am breaking
43. How long is it acceptable to lie here
44. Okay I can do this here we go
45. Feet guy is just pouring water all over himself
46. My water bottle is so loud everyone is looking
48. This is what I get for stealing my roommates water bottle
49. There is more water around feet guys mat than there was in DC this whole summer
50. Gross the puddle is on the move
51. Its so close to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
52. This is so hard!!!!!!
53. When does it end!!!!!!!!!
54. Oh my GOD!
55. Is this safe??????
56. No wonder the instructor told me “you’ll never do that again before class” when I told her I drank coffee earlier today
57. Every liquid in my body I’ve ever drank in my entire life is dripping out of me
58. We are all disgusting together
59. “And if you can grab the back of your ankle with your hand…” Okay the back of my ankle is a puddle
60.Are we slowing down? Oh? Oh no, okay
61. Sports bra looks like I jumped into a pool
62. You can see everything don’t mind me
63. Free the nipple!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
64. I need to take it down to a 4
65. Wow the room is spinning I’m just gonna sit for a minute
66. Why am I breathing so hard we’ve just been standing in weird positions for an hour
67. Live the puddle, be the puddle
68. Okay feet guy watch your feet
69. THAT’S MY FACE
70. It doesn’t matter anymore
71. Nothing really matters anymore
72. Oh! We’re stretching okay the end is near
73. am i chi yet
70. We are laying, I’m literally immobile
72. I thought I was going to walk home
73. I am a joke
74. But like a successful joke
75. No amount of showering will wash me of this
76. Oh it’s over!!!!!!!! God Bless America Land That I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took me another 30 minutes of sitting in different chairs around the studio to work up the energy to find my way home. My ass was whooped, and I lost at least 4 pounds in water/vodka/and La Croix weight. Bikram Yoga man, not even once*.
(*but I did sign up for another class tomorrow)