“Hmm, Accha, Thik Hai..” survival strategy for men in the battle of sexes
A small disclaimer before you proceed, this piece of article is a humorous take on modern relationships, please don’t brand me as a Sexist or misogynist. 🙏🏼
I recently finished a very intellectually controversial book “Men are from Mars, women are from venus”. (Thanks to a lot of free time, post COVID-19). Interestingly, I picked up this book when I was 14, a young boy filled with raging hormones and an urge to understand the opposite sex.
The Author, John Gray has been quite criticized over the last couple of decades for being sexist, being insulting and biased. He has been slammed for writing from an unapologetically male perspective, and attempting to lump men and women into the desired roles.
Well, you still find a silver lining in a dark cloud. The book tells you that both men and women are biologically (and so physiologically) so very different, and yet needed to find a way to connect, survive, even procreate with each other in our society.
With so much difference, they aim to achieve similar success and have similar aspirations in our modern world. This leads to the intermingling of both the sexes and a battle to survive.
Either we like it or not, we are different. We are not meant to be the same and but still co-exist. We need to find the right balance so that each gender lives a dignified, prosperous and happy life.
It’s either the concept of Ram Rajya, where Ram and Sita represent the balance of both the sexes. It’s either modern democracy, where Rightist and leftist find a truce to run a country.
In short, we can’t deny that we are different. We need to find a truce, or ways to compliment each other.
No Gender is Perfect
Just like life, no Gender is perfect. An article written on Science of people, helps you feel better about our differences. The author says “They are good. We want to have different strengths and weaknesses on a team, in a partnership, and in friendship. Remember, we are wired differently and that’s GOOD!”
A few of the highlights of the articles with properly backed science behind it are:
- Women remember everything. Women have a larger hippocampus. This is where we store memories. This is why women can recall Every. Single. Word. of an argument from 5 years ago.
- Women feel while men use logic. Men take a more fact-based approach to their environment, while Women tend to take a more intuitive approach.
3. Oxytocin is a chemical that helps us feel social attachment. In women, oxytocin can increase during a relaxing conversation and decrease in response to feeling ignored or abandoned. Men also need oxytocin to reduce their stress levels. However, too much oxytocin in men actually reduces their testosterone level and then increases their stress!
What…!?!? yes, this is as complicated as our relationship. No wonder, we can’t figure out each other.
The insights from Science of People, really prove that Men and Women are not only biologically and physically different, but also poles apart when it comes to how they perceive anything in this world.
Truly, one is from Mars and the other one from Venus.
Men are bad listeners (period)
Finally coming back to the topic, according to this article published on Dailymail
A sneaky 55 per cent of women say they regularly test their partner to double check he’s listening.
Any man who has ever been on a relationship will agree to this. It's not just meant for your partners, but your mother, your sister, your colleagues, and your friends. We are never known to be a good listener.
According to the same article, men only listen when it’s about sports, or pop culture something that interests him.
However, one of the main reasons for being a bad listener is Men’s unavailability to multi-task like women. It’s not a myth, here’s an article by BBC news science reporter. In today’s digitally connected world, we are more prone to be online and distracted. We are always scrolling on the phone. This makes us worse listeners and so the array of problems and the general stereotyping of “Men are bad listeners” gets stronger.
More than a fifth of men admit they often browse the web or watch sport while on the phone or talking to their partner. — Dailymail
Let’s solve the listening problem!
“The most common sign of your partner not listening is when they take far too long to respond to a question, followed by a flurry of blank or glazed expressions,” said a woman while asked about the men’s listening problem here.
Zakir, a comedian, and a part-time poet, introduced us to this 3 Tiered model for tackling our day to day conversation with our counterpart.
“Hmm, Accha, Thik hai…”
Okay, sounds very sexist?
Let me give you an analogy from Marketing and customer relationship. We all have used Chatbots in our life, have you seen how the brands automate their first few responses with a pre-defined sequence. We all love our customers and when it’s not humanly possible to answer each query. Simple automation gives an assurance to our customers that they are being heard.
All they want is to be heard, not listen.
When a man listens, and tries to input his pointers? How many times you feel that she’s not interested in your expert suggestions. She just wants you to acknowledge her, give assurance that you’re not busy with your phone.
Hmm, Accha, Thik Hai is a communication model where there is a deliberate acknowledgment from men at a defined interval while women speak. The idea is not to burden her with your stupid thoughts (which anyway will not be taken) and help her finish her story. Yeah, it’s condescending to an extent, but, common it’s only fair to automate few things and not to have an argument on the same age-old problem of Men don’t listen.
I know a friend who wrote a script of sending random good morning message to his girlfriend every day in the morning just to bring a smile on her face :)
Biologically, we, men are not equipped to be good listeners. Life is too short, there are too many new topics to fight and love for with your partner. :) What’s fun to keep arguing on the age-old issues that have been fought by generations of couples.
As a man, we definitely need to keep trying to a better person and start listening more and more. Since evolution takes time, till then keep finding ways to happily co-exist because that’s more important.
