Becoming a Better Me, I
My journals are heavy with grief — book after book filled with years of sad ink always returning to the same desire through different perspectives, emotions and experiences: to become better. It seems like after almost a decade of wishing for one goal, I would have already reached it and moved on. Alas, becoming a better me is a process that will never be complete. A brief trip to the outermost reaches of space.
Today I am older than I was yesterday and feel a little bit more knowledgable about only a few things. I am almost thirty, recently married, gainfully employed part-time and striving to create something of my own full-time. I have lived a lot since I graduated when I was just a 21 year old baby with two useless bachelor degrees from a university of prestige.
A few weeks ago, I opened my journal and began to write with a sincere heart about how it is really, seriously and finally time for a change; that I cannot continue to live as if I were a reckless student on a constant party-adventure; that I am not and never will be Henry Miller; that Henry Miller and many drunk intellects lived as they died, depressed and ridden with anxiety. With those thoughts circling my mind, I firmly told my downtrodden, sulky, and apathetic self that it was time to become a better me.
I am left with the question:
How can this time be different from all of the other times in which my heart wallowed on the pages of a journal trying to reconcile stupid decisions with that of: “well, that was just a part of life. I won’t make that mistake again.”?
I am now on a path that definitely is not what my adventurous, intellectual self would consider exciting, but strangely, I am intrigued. I have always reasoned my way out of personal responsibilities and refuse to do that again this time.
I am ready but I am scared. I am scared that as I go deeper into adulthood, I am becoming no more exciting than an Oscar Mayer hotdog sandwich with French’s Mustard on two limp slices of Wonder Bread.
- Mind Your Own Business
- Building a Body to Last
- Soul Full of Love