Change: For Better or For Worse
Walking away from everything and starting over completely is beyond difficult. It feels like a death. A death I’ve been preparing for; though you can never really prepare for the end but rather adapt and learn to accept what is. The hardest part is that we don’t fully account for all the emotions that come with each ending or the overwhelming desire to just hold on a little longer in case there is that chance that it’s all just a bad dream you’re going to wake up from any minute now. Then there’s the bargining, the pleading and the false hope that is so comfortable to hold onto.
I’ve known this was coming and I knew it needed to happen but it is something that has become so familiar to me and it’s hard to let go. And though it’s not really a loss it feels like one. How do you just leave it all behind? This is where I am at. Starting new, letting go and moving foward in a new direction.
I realize it’s not an actual life that is over but it is a part of me that has died and I must lay it to rest. This is where I release the painful memories and give them to the one who created me, to do away with. I look around and see the shatterd pieces of my life but instead of wallowing in self pity and depression as before I stop. I embrace change. I collect up all the pieces that have made me who I am today. I’ll pack them away for now and hold on to them for those days when I begin to look back and question why; to remember it was not a loss but a process, a series of storms and life tests, battles won and others lost, and without all this I would not be who I am today. I would not have the strength nor the courage to wholeheartedly embrace this next part of my journey and to begin a whole new chapter of my life. I’ve stood at this crossroad far too many times wandering back and forth down the same road for several years, looking for new direction and finding none. Now it is time. I have made a decision to move forward. I’m taking that leap and making the decision to leave it all behind. This road is new to me, one I’ve never been down before. It is unfamiliar and that in itself is intimidating but it brings the hope of freedom and that to me makes it all worth the risk. No longer will I allow the fear of the unknown hold me back from the path to my destiny.