I’m depressed
Not in the way that I’m sad all the time, but I have clinical depression. I take medications for it. Yes, medications, with an S. Plural.
I’m moving into a beautiful new home, and I love my jobs. I have friends that love and care about me and would do anything for me.But I’m depressed. And that’s okay. I should be allowed to talk about it. And if you’re depressed I encourage you to talk about it, too. That’s how it becomes okay.
No I’m not a Debbie Downer.
I still laugh and play and smile. But I’m depressed. Most days, I would rather stay in bed. But I get up, and go to work. If I’m not at one job, I’m at the other. And if, on the off chance, I’m not at either, I’m working for one from home. I don’t have time for me, and self care used to be very important to me. I don’t have time to go to the gym, or cook extravagant meals, like I used to love. I don’t feel like me.
My best friend has cancer, and not the okay kind. She’s very sick. She has a ‘reason’ to be depressed. But she’s not. She’s positive and happy and joyful. I’m depressed. There is no reason.
- I need help. I need the visits to my doctor every couple months, I need constant reassurance that everything around me is okay.
I’ve gained 30 pounds because of my lack of motivation. I need to be reassured that I’m still remotely beautiful. Am I? I don’t know. I definitely don’t feel it.
I’m depressed, but I’m okay. And that’s okay. It’s okay for me to need a little extra. I always feel like something is missing, even though, through anyone else’s eyes, nothing is. But for me, I feel like I need more.
I need to be skinnier, and I need to be busier. But I need to embrace my curves, and I need more me-time. I’m in a constant loop and internally struggling to set priorities.
I still go out with friends and make it through the day. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. But I do want these feelings to go away. My medications aren’t working lately and I’m having a really hard time.
What is it that could possibly make me feel good right now? The answer is nothing. Because I’m depressed. And, that’s okay.
