How I Overcame My Fear of Eating In Public

When I was young, I was diagnosed with Bulemia/Anorexia Nervosa — “…an eating disorder characterized by an abnormally low body weight, an intense fear of gaining weight and a distorted perception of weight.” While I was too young to understand the definition of those words, I knew what I was doing, to myself, my body, and my mom.

I remember asking to use the bathroom after eating each meal. I did this every meal, every day, until I was only using the bathroom after eating once a day. Then, it became once every other day, then only a couple times a week. I was 10. Was I doing this to lose weight? At this point in my life, I do not think so. I do not think it was a weight issue as much as it was a control issue.

I came from a somewhat abusive home. My mom, while I love her and miss her (she passed in 2016) was a physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive woman. Not only to myself but also my dad, brother, and sisters growing up. Each morning, we didn’t know whether we would have a “good” day or a bad day. We didn’t know which, if any, of us would be called a name or feel the impact of that finger to the chest or hand across the face. So, I think the amount and type of food I put into my body, as well as when I put it into my body, and IF I kept in inside to digest, made up for the other things in my life I had no say in.