I have been writing and publishing for just over two years. It wasn’t until last summer that my writing “took off”. By took off I mean I actually began to see sales or page reads on my Kindle Unlimited books. Now, I am not one of those authors who measures their success by the money they make.
No. I measure my success by how many people I can impact or connect with. Let me explain…
When I was a teenager I was in a relationship that was not healthy. The man I was with, if that is what you could call him at the time, was possessive and abusive, both physically and mentally… emotionally too, I will say. He knew just how to hurt me with a look, or a word. Sometimes the silence hurt the most. I did what I could to make him happy, to gain his acceptance, to have a day with him in which I didn’t flinch or cower to the side of the truck. Where I could be with him and his friends and not be laughed at because he somehow “put me in my place”.
No, it wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t healthy. I had suffered from an eating disorder when I was young, and it spiked its ugly head during this time. I was 16. I went to high school. I used to have friends, a lot of friends. I had a full-time job (35 hours/week) I worked after school or on the weekends. Well, when I was with ‘C’ I turned away from my family and friends. He was jealous, and to make him happy I cut people out of my life.
I cut my hair, because people loved it and showed me attention because of it. He hated that. So, I got rid of it.
I lost weight. I was an American size 6. I had too much of a rear end. So, I got rid of it…. thus entered my eating disorder. I lost enough weight to get down to a size 0/2.
I lost all part of myself. Who I was. My family and friends. I even dropped out of high school so I could eliminate one more thing that would put space or distance between me and ‘C’.
I paid his bills. He was never able to hold down a job, so over half of my money went to him each week so he could eat while I was at work. So his truck payment was not late. So he could go out with his other girlfriends…
Oh yeah, that’s right. Because I wouldn’t “sleep” with him, he got it from somewhere else. Actually, he got it from many other people. One of which wrecked his car while he was fondling her… and stupidly (ignorant of his “infidelity” at the time) I paid for the repairs. Yeah… I loved him that much.
Then one day I woke up. Somehow, somewhere, my mom’s words hit me. My sisters’ love hit me. My brother’s and my dad’s words hit me, and I realized that I was better than that. I was worth more than what I was accepting.
I was me. I was a human being who was worthy of friendship, of happiness, of love.
And what I was getting, or accepting from ‘C’ was not friendship. It was not happiness. It was not love. It was humility. It was possession. It was control… I was under his control.
So I broke free. It hurt like hell. It hurt so much that I didn’t think I was going to survive. He came around, he called, he wrote letters… and I just couldn’t anymore. I made a clean break and dealt with the pain and hurt, the anger and denial without him.
I was 17 when I did that. I was 17 when I decided that no man was going to do that to me. No person was going to do that to me. No one was going to make me feel like I was not worth something. That I was not of value. That I wasn’t good enough.
I was 17 when I decided that I didn’t want others to feel that way either. I do not want anyone to feel that they have no one, that they are alone, that they are not good enough.
No one should ever feel that way. We are all meant to be here. Someone does love each one of us.
But, it all starts with us. We must first value ourselves. We must accept us. It is hard to do, for those who suffer from low self-esteem like I do. I fight it every day. But I also survive every day.
And so do you.
What does my story have to do with writing?
Well, my first story, Brielle, has a little… or a huge part of me in it. The main character, Brielle, is attacked (I was, once, as well. Not as violently though). I put all of my pain and experience into her character. I tried to make her coming to terms with her being good enough, of realizing she served a purpose, come across to the readers.
My other stories, mostly, are written to help inspire, to make you feel, to give you ideas of things you can do in your relationship to maybe add a little spice.
But mostly, I write my ramblings to hopefully let you all know that you are worth something. You mean something to this world. And you are perfect just as you are. The only person you should EVER change for is yourself. First, make YOU happy. Because, one thing I have learned, when you are happy then others will see it and you may just put a smile on their face too.