She wears the pants?
Editor’s note: if you’d enjoy listening to me read this essay, too, you can do that on SoundCloud here.
As a domina, I’m often asked for my opinion on female-led relationships (FLR), often with the belief that since I exude such fortitude and discipline within my client interactions, that I must be open to the same dynamics offline.
While it’s an easy assumption, nothing could be further from the truth.
What is true is that though I largely keep my personal life private, I bring my authentic self along for the ride. I tried previously to create a fake personality for “Ashley” that was saccharine and naive, but it was hard to maintain, and I had to drop the act almost as soon as I tried out for the part. I’m just not cut out for fake — never have been, and probably never will be.
So, do I date submissive men? I have, though not intentionally, and not purposely, i.e. we didn’t seek each other out because I was clad in black leather and he came crawling on his knees. Rather, as we peeled back layers in the process of getting to know one another, it became obvious that I was the big spoon, and he was the small spoon: me, unyielding and unafraid; him, content with riding in the proverbial passenger seat, which is usually when things would begin to disintegrate.
In matters of the heart, I prefer traditional gender roles, and the safe space the masculine provides for me to be vulnerable and tender. To know that things are taken care of, so I can flourish fully into my feminine.
This is not to say I harbor a secret rescue fantasy (although, Cinderella remains my favorite fairytale), or that I can’t take care of my own needs. On the contrary: I am trained in self-defense; wield a dangerous spoon in the kitchen; have always preferred to march to the beat of my own drum. But, I simply can’t fathom being the one to pull out the chair, to hold open the door, to call the shots while also remaining at ease and relaxed — literally or proverbially. The energies clash; there can be only one captain of a ship.
My dominance works with my submissive playmates because of both the boundaries we abide by and the fact that while I am pouring from my cup to fulfill a fantasy, I am filled in turn by the energy and appreciation a submissive shares with me. To that extent, I am replenished and restored; our dynamic does not drain me or demand more than I can give.
These tenets stretch far beyond the bounds of attraction, and deeper into what fundamentally matters most. I aim to remain open-minded and considerate, but also, honest with myself, and with the clients with whom I enjoy sharing time.
Ashley Alair is an adult content creator who writes about her experiences in sex work and at large. Learn more and get in touch at AshleyAlair.com. Feeling inspired by today’s post? Support me here.
