Moral High Ground Man Must Die! (Or How I Used To Be A Judgmental Asshole)
For decades, my highly perceptive brother called me “Moral High Ground Man”. He claimed that many of my healthy habits were nothing more than thinly veiled platforms for me to stand on, so I could pour scorn, judgement and superiority down on others who I thought weren’t as good as me.
Reasoning that only a real idiot would behave that way, and feeling confident that I was motivated by a genuine desire to help, I dismissed his accusations and continued on my merry way.
As it turns out, he was right.
I was really good at things like watching what I ate, exercising regularly, giving up food that was bad for me, or just generally taking on any of the trappings of a healthy lifestyle.
And now that I can be honest with myself and all of you, the truth is that while I was genuinely trying to be as healthy as I could be for all the right reasons, I was also a mercilessly judgmental asshole.
There. I said it. So…
- If you didn’t eat a healthy diet, I laughed inside.
- If you smoked, I thought you were a total loser.
- If you were overweight, I marveled at your inability to get your weight under control.
- If you didn’t do anything about your fitness, I knew you were weak.
- If you weren’t a conscious vegan, man oh man I didn’t think much of you.
- Basically, I had willpower but “they” didn’t.
The list goes on. But there’s no point in flogging that dead horse any further. Suffice to say I had issues. Of course, I did all these things to make myself feel better at some level.
That’s still the subject of some deep introspection but I guess I was insecure and full of crap, or maybe just driven by my ego like most everyone else. The irony is that while I was being Moral High Ground Man and chuckling inside, I was also totally unable to get my own shit together.
Yes I had my diet dialed in, and yes I was always in decent physical shape but no, I wasn’t in decent emotional shape.
- I’d lose my temper at the drop of a hat, even over something as negligible as a long line at the post office.
- I had serious commitment issues in my relationships.
- I battled with depression for years.
- I relished confrontation.
- I had problems with anxiety that I didn’t even know about.
- I carried grudges forever. Forgive and forget? Not me!
That list goes on too, but let’s not keep it going. I think I’m exposed enough at this stage. Apparently, I need to be vulnerable and authentic but enough’s enough okay?
Anyway, once I had time to really assess myself in the light of being somewhat broken, I started to see a lot of things with a new clarity. Not being able to walk properly or even to put on your underwear without help will teach you some humility, believe me when I say that.
And from that position I understood that I was in fact no better than any of the people I’d relentlessly judged in the past. In many ways, I was worse because emotionally and spiritually, I was dysfunctional to say the least.
- They may have been overweight, but they were much happier than me.
- They may have been unfit, but their family life wasn’t a total mess like mine was.
- They may have been unable to give up junk food but they were so much better than I was at genuinely connecting with people.
So yeah. No wonder my back blew up. It’s actually a surprise that I didn’t drop dead of a heart attack years ago.
I’m grateful that I’m still here. I’m trying hard to change. And most of the time, I’m succeeding. I’m still not super-impressed with the way so many of my fellow humans seem inclined to hurtle to their destruction, taking the rest of the planet along with them but I’m trying to accept that they’re on a journey, just like I am. I’m making peace with being at peace.
That means that Moral High Ground Man is on his way out. Every time he pokes his stupid head up with a judgemental thought, I remind him that he’s a big part of the reason I’m learning to walk again, and he goes away. Eventually, he’ll be gone for good, and I’ll be a much better human being for that.
