Addy.
Addy.
Sep 4, 2018 · 2 min read

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I blocked him the day after you sent this and haven’t gone back yet, so you may not be a therapist…but maybe you could be. ;) lol. I’m tired of being sick. I lost almost 40 pounds that I didn’t need, and couldn’t afford to lose. Before, I was healthy, strong, coached kickboxing and ran 10Ks. Now, people walk up and say, “Girl, you’re SO SKINNY!” like it’s a compliment. But I’m not healthy. I’m sick skinny. Sad skinny. Lonely and broken skinny. And I’m tired of being fucking sick and tired and weak. I’m not fucking weak. I teach women’s self defense Krav Maga class. I avoid him as much as I can but still live in a small town, and he’s everywhere. I’m embarrassed at how I literally let him break me down. Until your post, everything I read was about “taking the high road” and keeping my head high and moving on. But no one said how to deal with being angry AND feeling guilty at the same time. No one said it was okay to look like, act like, and BE a bitch by cutting off someone who treated you like shit. I feel bad for what I did. But now I can confidently say he’s a heartless prick and a coward who doesn’t deserve to see me in Fort Worth watching my baby brother play college football, or going to concerts with friends, or volunteering at a home for pregnant teens, or being commended by the mayor for the quality of my work, or giving my grandpa haircut, or training for a triathlon dedicated to the memory of my brother, or watching Breakfast Club with my mom, or falling in love with a half-blind horse named Jack at a local stable. I used to feel like… if he didn’t see it, if he wasn’t watching me live, that it didn’t matter. I actually felt like my life didn’t count if he wasn’t watching me live it. Now, I feel like I can’t live until he’s out of it. His life is a cold, empty void and he fills it with meaningless sex and shallow, superficial relationships. No. Like, fuck off. Immediately and forever. So thanks for your post. It helped more than you know, shifted something that was stuck.

    Addy.

    Written by

    Addy.