Stages of losing friends

Exactly a month ago from today Sam and I arrived in Austria. After six long weeks of talking, praying, packing, saying bye and moving we had arrived to our new home. By the time we had left Colorado I was feeling really burnt out and really empty. Many of my friends either weren’t in Colorado anymore or are still in college, doing YL and part of communities that I’m just not surrounded by anymore. I didn’t notice the change in friendships at first. It’s been a slow and gradual process, but now that it’s been a whole month here in Austria I can reflect on the past year and especially the past month.

Graduating college shows you a lot about friendships. It taught me who was just my friend in the classroom and who was actually my friend.

Moving from Lakewood to Broomfield taught me more about how I personally feel about my community and friendships. Being newly married I only wanted to hangout with my husband, understandably so. It was hard to travel an hour to see people, especially when I knew they weren’t eager to drive an hour to me. It taught me who I genuinely wanted to put effort into a friendship with.

“Saying bye” to people was another teaching moment. I was so excited to move to Austria that I missed out on a lot of tears and sadness over leaving. Thinking through who I wanted to grab coffee, lunch, dinner etc. with showed me just how many people I truly loved and would miss. It showed me how many people deeply knew me and I wanted to keep knowing.

A month in Austria though has taught me that it doesn’t really matter who I wanted to keep knowing. It has showed me that communication is indeed a one way street, and being across the world changes a lot. Excuses are easy. Dodging and ignoring is easier. People are my friend to the extent of envy or jealousy. People are my friend to tell me their problem, but they simply assume life is perfect for someone who lives abroad with her husband. People assume I “have the dream” and don’t need them anymore. The same is true to being married. There’s an instant “she’s married now and doesn’t need friends” paradox that happens. It’s just true.

My heart hurts because of these things.

Living in Austria is the dream. It’s true. It’s not the only dream though. It’s not all I need. Life is still real, full of burdens from my shitty dad, marriage is still hard, work is still non-stop. Money is always an issue. Applying to schools is stressful and so is not knowing what continent we will be on in 7 months. Visa’s are a constant stress and being part of a country that doesn’t speak or care to speak my language is hard. Living in a family that doesn’t much care for the country I call home isn’t a blast.

Just wishing people saw past “she’s living the dream”