The Brett Kavanaugh guide to job interviews

Saul Loeb / AP

So you have a big job interview coming up? Luckily, Brett Kavanaugh just led by example in his interview for one of the most important jobs in the nation. If these tactics are good enough for Brett, surely they’ll work for you. Even the President approved!

Just follow these seven simple steps to claim the job you’re already entitled to.

1. Hit your talking points, again and again.

Going into an interview, you won’t necessarily know what questions you’ll be asked — but frankly, that doesn’t matter. The most important thing you can do to prepare is to develop a set of talking points that you will bring up again and again and again. If you played varsity sports in high school, that is a very relevant thing to mention, especially if you’re now in your 50s. It’s also incredibly important to talk about your grades and how you had no help getting into an Ivy League institution. Pepper these statements throughout, over and over, especially in response to unrelated and tougher lines of inquiry that you do not care to address.

2. Play by the rules.

Interviews have a certain structure, and it’s important that you adhere to it. If your interview is 1:1, it’ll likely be conversational, with both you and your interviewer having the opportunity to ask and answer questions. Group interviews, however, are a more rigidly choreographed dance. In this setting, your panel of interviewers will take turns asking a series of questions, BUT FIRST, you should expect that each questioner will kick things off by apologizing profusely to you for the difficulties you’ve faced in preparing for this day. If they don’t, you have a right to respond to their questions with insolence and hostility. You can even throw their questions back in their faces. Hey, I don’t make the rules!

3. Get creative with your facial expressions.

Facial expressions are important. They matter as much as your words. The competing candidates for this role — your role! — will try to appear friendly and competent by smiling and nodding to show that they are listening and taking tough questions seriously. So basic and undifferentiated! Pick something original so that your interviewers will remember you. For instance, sniffle and snort incessantly to build trust. Add in a few snarls to show strength of character. Your face will be seared into their memories forever.

4. Convey passion and authenticity through emotions.*

Show your interviewers how passionate you are — and there’s no such thing as too much passion, especially if the role requires a calm, even temperament. Try to kick off the interview by crying. If tears don’t come easily, ranting and raving will work just as well. Bang on that table to punctuate your words. Grr baby, you’re an animal! Or a small child. Anything but a stable, mature adult.

*This section applies to men only.

5. Words have meanings.

And you get to pick them! When asked about troubling patches in your career, you can try to answer the question — or you can redefine it. Were you “fired” from a job? Explain that in your social circle, being “fired” means to celebrate a professional milestone with a cookout and s’mores. Did you get investigated for “embezzling”? Well that’s just a synonym for “bedazzling” in the town you come from, and it’s not your fault that your former employer didn’t appreciate the extra flair you added to the reception desk. Your mom loved it.

6. Relate to your audience on a human level.

Here’s the dirty little secret when it comes to hiring: most interviewers don’t actually care if you’re qualified for the job. They just want to know whether you’re a fun, down-to-earth, all-American guy. You need to show them that you’re the kind of coworker they’ll want to grab a few ‘skis with after you’re done with work for the day (even if said work was poorly done). Yelling “I like beer” is a classic move, but there are a number of American pastimes you can weave into your interview to show how relatable you are. Porn and football both come to mind.

7. Act like they owe you the job.

Because they do, dammit. The bigger and more important the job, the more they owe it to you. Mention varsity sports one more time, just to seal the deal.

p.s. In case it’s not obvious: this is satire (or at least an attempt at it). Please don’t do any of these things, ever.