Gifted Stoner Aces Drug Test

Ashley Naftule

Tempe, Ariz. — Local stoner Kyle “K-Hole” Hollander defied the expectations of his friends, family, and employer by acing a surprise drug test on Monday.

According to his supervisor at Lowe’s, Hollander’s test results were in the upper ten percentile of the company.

“I’ve never seen piss this clean,” marveled Lowe’s manager Gary Noth. “This is like the Platonic Ideal of urine. It’s like it was scooped straight out of God’s toilet.”

Experts were brought it in to verify that the permanently blazed Hollander’s testing environment and sample weren’t tampered with. They came to the unanimous conclusion that Hollander’s perfect score was legitimate and beyond contention.

“A test this pure can’t be obtained through detox kits or smuggled-in kid’s pee,” declared Dr. Amelia Barron. “A result like this can only come from hard work, rigorous study, and an insanely fast metabolism.”

The 35-year old stoner’s closest relatives and friends are proud of Hollander’s unexpected success.

“Kyle’s never been straight-A material,” said mother Marilyn Hollander. “He’s very gifted, but he doesn’t test well.”

Hollander’s lifelong friend Baz Tolleson has witnessed his friend’s learning disability firsthand.

“He flunked his driving test three times in a row,” Tolleson said. “And then they let him pop a 311 mix into the stereo on his fourth time and he was like on some Mario Andretti shit…. And don’t even get me started on his fan-fiction: the homey can’t pass the Bechdel test to save his life.”

When asked about the secret to his success, Hollander declined to explain his methodology.

“When you know, you know,” Hollander said as he popped a CD of 311’s Grassroots in the break room stereo. “The universe just whizzed through me, man. I’m just a humble condiment … conduit? Something like that.”

Ashley Naftule

Written by

Associate Artistic Director & playwright @ Space55 theatre. Bylines in Vice, The Outline, Phoenix New Times, The Hard Times. Chico & Karl are the best Marx Bros

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade