USPS Releases New Line Of Commemorative Presidential Tramp Stamps

Ashley Naftule
Photo by David R. Tribble

Washington, D.C. — Postmaster General Megan Brennan delighted and confounded the nation’s philatelists this morning by announcing that the USPS would be issuing a new line of commemorative presidential tramp stamps.

“We feel the time is right to honor our proud cultural heritage in this forward-thinking manner,” Brennan said as a line of USPS models paraded past photographers, displaying the new stamp collection on their lower backs.

Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Chester A. Arthur, and Teddy Roosevelt were among the inked visages spotted hovering majestically over the ass-cracks of USPS employees at the press conference. The Postmaster General also lifted the back of her shirt to show off one of the rarer tramp stamps in the collection: a black and white drawing of Millard Fillmore smoking a fat blunt.

“We’re still working on finalizing the designs for President Obama and President Trump,” Brennan said. “It’s only fitting that our new line of stamps commemorates our only African-American president and our last president ever.”

An anonymous source inside the USPS confesses that the desire to transition the country’s postage from lickable to poke & stickable was inspired by the organization’s struggle to stay relevant in a digital era.

“Nobody uses mail these days,” they said. “If you want to send someone a picture of your dick, you don’t have to wait five to seven business days for them to get the Polaroid. How can we compete with that?”

While the announcement has already garnered a rapturous public response, stamp collectors are less enthused by the USPS’s decision to put some skin in the game.

“Are we supposed to collect the tattoo flash or peel the skin right off of people,” wondered avid philatelist Teresa Withers. “I don’t mind flaying strangers if that’s what it takes to keep the hobby alive, but I’m worried those skin flaps won’t retain their value.”

As of press time, Brennan has denied the growing rumors that a Bill Clinton inner-thigh stamp will be part of next year’s collection.

Ashley Naftule

Written by

Associate Artistic Director & playwright @ Space55 theatre. Bylines in Vice, The Outline, Phoenix New Times, The Hard Times. Chico & Karl are the best Marx Bros

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade