Taking Emotions Out of the Equation

There are plenty of times I have collapsed, succumbed to a wash of chemicals drilling themselves into my every cell, and I, a mere human, rush like water through a colander to the floor.

I like to consider myself a well put-together human, and recently realized I was addicted to my emotions. The constant cycle of repeating patterns in my life, crap relationships, jobs just as bad, very low paying jobs mind you. I have had a deeply rooted inability to create effective boundaries, and I was addicted to worthlessness, insecurity, victimization.

The parable about rocks, that Steve Jobs said years ago has stuck with me. I have learned to treat every person with respect and the only thing I assume about humans is that they are doing the best they can. But, about my relationships, the parable hits it very well;

“​” We went out into the back and we got just some rocks. Some regular old ugly rocks. And we put them in the can with a little bit of liquid and little bit of grit powder, and we closed the can up and he turned this motor on and he said, “come back tomorrow.” And this can was making a racket as the stones went around. And I came back the next day, and we opened the can. And we took out these amazingly beautiful polished rocks. The same common stones that had gone in, through rubbing against each other like this (clapping his hands), creating a little bit of friction, creating a little bit of noise, had come out these beautiful polished rocks.”

That’s relationship. I have finally learned to embrace the obstacle, often times its another with-human relationship experience, the (noise) communication, the ‘rubbing against’ each other. Helping me shed more skin, starting a new life.

I am eternally grateful for a man I have been dating as of the last couple years. Through this relationship I learned how much my emotions were essentially a means of control, both inwardly and outwardly manipulative. I had lived my entire life up until recently believing what my 8 year old little girl self (core beliefs) Deeply subconscious, it was cognitive dissonance over and over until all the dendrite pruning, meditation, and changing the way I physically and emotionally responded to situations changed. At this point, I realized my emotions were helping reinforce the cycle of obstacles, the cycle of the same relationships, I had no idea I was addicted.

My partner, would not put up with my shit, he would not argue back, he demonstrated incredible boundaries. I thought for a long time there was something emotionally wrong with him. That he had been abused in some way, or he straight up was ‘not all there’. Though some of those things may be true! It really does not matter, I am only here in my consciousness and responsibility is mine to recognize when I need to slow down and listen to my surroundings, body and mind included.

My boundaries are significantly better today, I pause and feel my body, recognizing when something is rising, and I ask that feeling ‘why’. Whats going on in there that you are trying to tell me? It usually has to do with insecurity, and often that insecurity has to do with my being, being in a new place of potential worth. My problem was that I was not comfortable being in a place of perceived wealth. My brain simply could not compute how to receive feeling ‘worth it’. My subconscious, gahhh!

To change this pattern of behavior within myself, I have implemented a variety of strategies, most of them learned through experience interacting with others, becoming someone who is not pulled apart by her own expectations and emotions is a process. My favorite thing to do to help me with this is self worth hypnosis, looking in the mirror and saying ‘I love you’, listening to incredible audiobooks that teach meditation and pausing and recognizing emotions as they come up, exercise, and asking for hugs.

Becoming free of expectations &
training myself to let go of everything I am afraid to lose. (paraphrased from Yoda)