I Am Not Defined By My Trans Body… Except By Others
File Under: Negative Social Impact Of Transition On Dating Queer Women
I’m still debating publishing these thoughts and experiences. It means sharing my personal life and probably at times, a little bit of someone else’s as well. I’m not sure how I feel about that, but I’m going to write this as if you are reading it write now and we’ll see what happens.
I was recently … umm … talking? … getting to know? Someone or something like that… although I think just friends came up a lot. Anyway, I was given the opportunity to get to know about this person’s experiences with men — they didn’t have to tell me much before I understood why they had the perspective on men that they did. They also work in an industry that exposes them to the worst of the worst — so every day someone is doing something to add to that perception of men. It’s not even a perception really… it’s the reality of the world they live in — that we live in.
In the time we spent together, there were several instances where I found myself having to defend a thought as though it had come from a place of ignorance. As if I didn’t understand what it is like to be a woman in this world. And while I don’t know what it’s like to a woman in the world TODAY, I do still understand what it’s like to be a woman in the world. I also know what it’s like to be an outwardly visible member of the LGBT community. I also understand what it’s like to live in a poverty and addiction riddled household as a child. I have lived many lives within this one I was given — and can see it through the lens of each one.
My point is, it felt like I couldn’t be myself because they couldn’t see past the external. It’s like seeing this male form I take up today, made them forget about all the other forms I took to get here. It’s sad really — not being seen for all your pieces. I never realized when I started to transition that other people would try to erase my history even when I don’t want to forget.
It makes me wonder if this is something I will run into a lot? I tend to date femme queer women because I prefer to date someone in the in between like me, who has shared experiences. This is the first time it has happened, but I also know that many queer women have at one point or another been mistreated by men. Not a man, but men… because honestly — I don’t like them either. It’s really a frustrating place to be in, to feel so much better about the skin I’m in and be so disgusted by what it represents.
I wish I had a clever way of ending this or some lesson to be learned…. but isn’t writing more about self-exploration and seeking answers rather than giving them?