The 20 Greatest Opinions Of All Time About Rolling Stone’s 40 Greatest Emo Records

Some would say Rolling Stone hasn’t been great in a long time. Us over here at Ask A Punk? We are Very Good and have been for roughly six months or something. Time is a construct, man. *Drops lit cigarette into trash can in a really cool way*

Back to the matter at hand, the folks at Rolling Stone ranked what they saw as the 40 Greatest Emo Albums of All Time. We saw it and we got mad at it a couple of times, got a little unhinged. Jay threw a bike pump at a wall when he saw Gatefold by Orchid ranked below a Coheed and Cambria record. Josh called the police as soon as he saw the headline and asked them to arrest him so he wouldn’t have to read the article. Anyway, here’s 20 opinions on this listless listicle about emo.

20. The Hotelier admitted to us that they love In Love And Death by The Used and it has made me think that this album might be worth listening to.

19. Nobody on earth has ever listened to Indian Summer. This is interesting on many levels because it would appear that Rolling Stone referenced something that they believe was on an Indian Summer record but keen readers will notice that they quoted a line from an Atmosphere b-side. MINNEAPOLIS STAND UP!

18. im yellin

17. “The Medicine” by The Jazz June is probably the most influential song for the past seven years for emotional alternative music. I don’t like to accuse anyone of biting style but more than Brand New, more than Taking Back Sunday, more than any Drive-Thru Records band, this is the record (specifically the song itself) that made modern emo.

16. Seeing a Jealous Sound record appear on this list with only a glancing reference of Knapsack is akin to Cliff Burton dying instead of Lars.

15. What does this even mean?

The band tempers its breakneck punk with guitar skree and dynamics shaped by British post-punk and goth, without directly tipping a hat to either. Lyrically, the songs take on white, male, American imperialism — “emo” in intensity, but far removed from the self-absorption that defined their contemporaries and followers.

Much like Indian Summer, nobody has ever heard a Moss Icon record. The 3xLP reissue of their discography is on blank vinyl that disintegrates when the needle drops. Very clever.

14. My CD copy of Your Favorite Weapon is pilfered from an ex-girlfriend’s house because she didn’t really enjoy it and I was 18 and loved it. I’m not sorry.

13. I wish new emo bands sounded more like Rainer Maria than the Jazz June, but does that cheapen the excellence of “Breakfast of Champions”? 
I’ll be posting a 2000-word thinkpiece on SputnikMusic later this week.

12. Dan Ozzi at Noisey wrote a thing about the album review possibly being a dead art and this list proved that Ian Mackaye killed the album review as a form of journalism in 1985:

The skate magazine Thrasher dubbed the sound “emo-core” in a review of the album, but MacKaye countered, calling it, “the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”

11. Imagine being really into Taking Back Sunday.

10. As a kid, I was really afraid of my idols being into drugs/alcohol or anything that wasn’t Jesus and I was really into At The Drive In and The Mars Volta for two weeks until I saw a video of Omar Rodríguez-López ripping a four-foot bong on stage. I’d put the video here but it’s been erased from the internet much like the Boys Life discography, though some researchers are skeptical of Boys Life ever being a band.

9. Mineral is not emo because they had the stones to put Comic Sans on the cover of The Power of Failing. True power move.

8. Yank Crime is the best record on this entire list and it’s not an emo record. Talk about THE POWER OF FAILING, ROLLING STONE!!! i look for a fist bump but there is only the wind. where has my laptop gone? why are these two limestone slabs bleeding?

7. If you’re wondering why Martin Shkreli is the way he is, you can blame Pinkerton.

6. Texas Is The Reason had the most blatant of the emo reunion cash grabs back in the early 2010s and that’s okay. The band had 14 songs released before they broke up and this is really more on the fans than the band itself. Half of these bands lost a ton of money in the housing crisis, probably.

5. Fall Out Boy peaked with "I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me,” which is on From Under The Cork Tree, which is the best Fall Out Boy album and there is absolutely no debate about that fact. I saw about 120 people get crowdkilled to this song at Riot Fest. It was SICK.

4. Whenever someone cites American Football or Cap’n Jazz as a top three emo band for them, please ask for their badge number because it’s police activity and it’s entrapment when they ask about a basement show they can bust later.

3. Dear You is another album on this list that’s not really an emo album, in my professional opinion. I’m a doctor and I’d like to put you on a treatment of less PBR and a razor for that awful beard.

2. Fugazi>Embrace>Rites of Spring>Rankings>Minor Threat>wearing a bootlegged Egg Hunt shirt.

1.

Imagine thinking that Diary is somehow a better album than How It Feels To Be Something On. Imagine the life you must have led to get to this point. Think about where it all went wrong. Maybe it was when you sold the van because your band broke up and you thought it was time to take computer classes. Perhaps it was when you asked for more responsibility at the agency and you became an account manager after three years in graphic design. You’re still the alt guy, though. You’re not a company man. You never betrayed the Black Flag bars on your wrist. Think about all of it while you’re showering before you drop Delilah off at the Montessori in your Passat.

— Ask A Punk is eternal. Ask A Punk is your friend. Ask A Punk loves you.