My Love Hate With Education
My tummy hurts. This is what I have been saying to myself and to friends when asked about dinner last night. What I really mean is that my soul hurts.
My soul hurts.

I attended college orientation yesterday. I was excited, hopeful, and nervous going into it. By the end, I was muted, drained, and really hungry. Really hungry (it was 2pm when I gave up on the to-do list to leave in search of food. The on campus cafeterias were closed.). *Note: I found a a really good sandwich, on real bread. To be shared soon on my Insta account.
In the evening, as I attempted to learn and navigate the online softwares/portals, I felt myself growing sad. It’s not difficult, but it is new, and I am alone, in my island of one. Struggling. Vulnerable. Perhaps more than anything is the aloneness, the vulnerability, and knowing others are struggling with this too. Yet, we are forced to learn it alone. (If there is a support system or model available, I am unaware of it.)
This is America, or a least the midwest. We struggle. A lot. Alone. (Look at the high numbers in suicide. Look to all the prescriptions written for depression or anxiety medications. Look at the unemployment, job transition, under-employment, homelessness, or the national news articles regarding Minnesota Nice. There are signs of our alone struggle everywhere.) As a society, we dislike, are uncomfortable with and even shame vulnerability. And people like me who speak out are, perhaps, shunned even more. I can still hear the adults of my childhood (instructors, parents, principals) saying, asking, demanding or ranting: “why do you make this so difficult, April?” I wonder now if what they were really saying is “shut up, and comply.”
That’s the thing though. None of us were created to comply. We are all unique individuals with our own special gifts that the world needs as only we can bring them. If we force ourselves into society’s boxes, we lose ourselves and our unique gifts. Yet this is the only way America knows. It is the American way. If I can’t be placed into a one-size-fits-all box, most people don’t know how or want to deal with me. It’s no wonder there is so much aloneness. None of us fit into a one-size-fits-all box. Our life experiences and journey are not boxes and certainly don’t fit into society’s boxes.
I love learning. I truly believe I am dying if I am not learning every day. But the best learning for me is what resonates. As a child and in my adult journey thus far, the things I am required to learn for testing purposes rarely are the things that resonate for me. In America, or perhaps just the midwest, work and income is not readily available, by traditional means, to those of us without a college degree. Since the financial crisis of 2008, many, if not most, and certainly most, if not all, corporate employers require a four-year college degree for even entry level roles. My soul hurts. Going to college, it seems, is largely about complying, fitting into boxes, learning what I “should” vs. what I want or what resonates for me, my journey. To have any hope for a different life, financially, requires the college degree (with the exception, of course, of entrepreneurs or going into business for onself).
So here I am at the crossroads again. If I forge through with college, part of me wins, and part of me loses. If withdraw and go back to my small, boring, broke life, part of me wins, and part of me loses.
I hope as this unfolds, there is a more visible compromise. The mentor I have been craving would be nice too. For now, it’s time to take a beat, be still…
