A Phone Call Between Reince Priebus and Mitt Romney
After initially considering and then deciding against a 2016 presidential run, Mitt Romney has remained mainly on the sidelines of the 2016 Republican Primary… until today. This afternoon he emerged from the crowd to deliver a blistering indictment of Donald Trump. I was curious as to what inspired him to speak up. After minutes of careless contemplation, here’s how I think it went down…
::phone rings, Romney answers::
Reince Priebus (Chairman of the Republican National Committee): Hey Mitt! What’s going on man?
Mitt Romney: Oh, hey Reince. I haven’t talked to you since you personally called me and told me not to run for president. How is that working out for you?
Reince: Not so good, Mitt. Not so good. Honestly, I am regretting doing that.
Mitt: You threatened my kids, Reince. You said if I dared to enter the race you would feed me and my family to your hogs. That was weird. I didn’t even know you had hogs.
Reince: I don’t. I made them up. I was really high. Again… my bad. Sorry about that.
Reince: Anyway… not sure if you have been watching the news lately but it turns out that years of us and the Democrats gerrymandering behind closed doors and using fear to polarize people into the polls has made it so there is a good chance we might elect Donald Trump as president.
Mitt: What? Sorry, I’ve been at sea on my diamond yacht. Did you say Donald Trump? Isn’t he a Democrat?
Reince: Not since they elected a black guy and he went all in on the birther thing. Now for better or worse, he’s one of us… and it’s looking like worse. Did you say diamon yacht?
Mitt: Yes. It’s a yacht made of diamonds. That’s not important right now. Donald Trump? The guy with the reality show and the big gold buildings?
Reince: Yes. He of the whispey hint of hair.
Mitt: This is bad.
Reince: I know. We need you to make a speech to take him down.
Mitt: This is worse than Obama bad. Worse than Hillary bad.
Reince: I know. We all do. Maybe don’t put that part in your speech.
Mitt: OK, I’ll do it, but I’m not going to endorse Little Rubio or Ted “I Want to Shut Down Everything” Cruz. Those two only look sane under the shadow of Trump Tower.
Reince: Fine. Just take Trump down a peg.
Mitt: OK. I’ll do what I can, but you are going to owe me.
Reince: What can I possibly give the guy who already has a diamond yacht?
Mitt: Pitch me as a Dark Horse at a brokered convention. Or buy me a couple coupons for a cooking class. Ann loves those things.