I’ve recently found out that my father is a convicted child sex abuser!
During my latest round of personal counselling sessions earlier this year I disclosed a number of things that I had seen and witnessed in my father that had led me to believe that he was homosexual; my parents have been married for 37 years and my mother is severely disabled. Between my counsellor and I, we came to the conclusion that what I believed about him was actually true and that my mother was almost certainly aware but that between them they had decided to keep it a secret; from at least my brother and I.
I worked through a number of other things in the sessions that proceeded this discussion but we also concentrated on talking about whether I could accept who my father was and attempt to find some sort of peace and forgiveness in the way that his lies have contributed towards my long battle with my mental health. I felt as if I had found a good enough short-term balance in my relationship with my parents since, but then my mother almost died recently whilst on holiday and so my perspective on our relationship changed once again.
My parents, especially my father, are extremely heavy drinkers — their self-medicating and coping mechanism — and a day after their wedding anniversary, following another very extreme session of drinking, my mother had a number of seizures and was rushed to hospital. She remained in hospital for a week and our father passed my brother and I very little information; when he did update us he reported how she was getting better with each passing day; we did get to talk to her on at least one occasion but she sounded so delusional that we felt nothing but further worry as this experience was so conflicting with what our father was reporting.
To everyones’ relief she was discharged a week later and was able to inform me herself on the phone but she still didn’t sound her usual self. A few days had passed when she attempted to call me once again but I did not answer in time. I was notified of a voicemail a little time later which she had accidentally recorded when she thought the phone call was over. In the message she was frustrated that I did not answer and used some derogatory and abusive language towards me; this was not the first time that I had heard her use such language when talking about me and neither was it the first time that she had left me an accidental voicemail.
The following day I messaged her to ask for some space from both her and my father due to how difficult I find it to have a relationship with them, and over the days that followed I sought comfort from sharing recent events with some of my extended family members. I spoke with my maternal uncle and I divulged some of the experiences that I had had with my parents over the last few years; as a result the conversation soon moved to my father’s past. My uncle disclosed some information but was unsure how much further information he should disclose; the conversation became very encrypted with both of us struggling to say the exact words but I found the courage to share some of my assumptions about my father’s hidden world and he was then able to feel comfortable in informing me of some truths about my father’s past.
In the week that followed, my brother and I met or talked with eight family members all of who knew his secret but had always felt that it was not their position to inform us. Here were the hard facts: when I was 5-years old my father was arrested for gross indecency with another man in public toilets not far from areas where I have resided since, the following year his nephew somehow found the courage to disclose that he had been sexually abused by my father for as long as he could remember; as a result a full investigation was undertaken and later that year my father was sent to prison for three offences with the worst being that of sexual abuse of a 5-year old boy. His nephew was just 5-years old when the abuse started, my father was 16 at that point, and it went on until his nephew was at least 16 with my father having been 27-years old at that point; he was 31 when he went to prison.
We were also informed that as part of the court case against our father my brother and I had to be physically examined to assess whether or not he had sexually abused either of us. When I heard about this I felt so shocked and angry; I cannot even begin to try and explain the details behind how I was feeling at that point in time. These feelings were not only towards my father but also towards my mother; I cannot fathem how any parent could watch their young children be physically examined as a result of the other parent’s actions and then proceed with allowing that individual back into their life after their prision term. My maternal grandmother informed me that social services advised our mother to move on with her life away from our father due to the fact that he was a risk to her children. Using my mother’s own words she ‘decided to give him a second chance’ and so he has remained in our lives ever since.
At the time of writing I have an amazing and beautiful 5-year old son who lives with his mother and my wife recently gave birth to our beautiful son; my brother has a 5-year old girl and a 2-year old boy. When we uncovered this information, especially the age of our cousin at the time of the first offence, we felt so shocked. I felt so disgusted, I felt horrified, I felt sad, I felt angry, I felt confused but most of all I felt panicked; this man, my father and my son’s grandfather, had spent a lot of unsupervised time with my eldest son over the past 3 years!
What also added to our fears was that our father had been seen within the last 3 years acting suspiciously around a set of local toilets; something that a couple of maternal family members told us was exactly what they themselves had either witnessed or an action that had been reported to them by others in the years that proceeded his prison term. I had also personally witnessed him acting flirtatiously with a group of friends who were all in their early twenties a few years ago when he was intoxicated on his birthday. As this man was still acting in the manner that led to his original arrest the question that arose in my mind was: is he still acting in a manner that involved minors or was he at the very least still a risk to minors?
The priority of my son’s mother and I was to immediately ensure that our son had not suffered any harm as a result of this man. I disclosed what I had uncovered to my son’s mother and I recommended that she apply for Sarah’s Law, otherwise known as the Child Sex Offender Disclosure Scheme, which she duly actioned. My son’s mother works for the City Council and was able to discuss our concerns with colleagues who work within children’s services that provide support to children and families who have suffered abuse including that of a sexual nature. We were provided with some great advice on how to talk to our son and between the two of us we feel that his responses to our informed questioning approach does provide us both with enough confidence that he has not suffered any harm. I also spoke with his school teacher to ask about any questionable behaviour or changes that she had witnessed in him over the last year and whilst she was shocked to hear my reasons for asking she felt confident that he had shown no warning signs. Whilst this was a great relief I do however feel so shocked that I have had to have such a conversation with my son; one which involves my father as the possible perpetrator.
A week after applying to the police my son’s mother attended an interview and their feedback to us was as follows:
Stopping contact with him was the right decision for the protection of your son. In regards to it being a historical conviction, even though it was over 30-years ago this does not mean that the individual in question has not committed any further offences since; he could still be acting that way without being caught by the police. He was on the sex offenders register but would have been removed due to it being a historical conviction with no further convictions recorded since.
On my parent’s return from holiday I found the strength and courage within myself to visit them and confront them both on what my brother and I had found out. Just 18 months earlier I had visited them and poured my heart out to them both about my then recent personal counselling journey as a result of having suicidal thoughts; I disclosed my diagnosis of anxiety and attempted to talk to them both about how my mental health has suffered as a result of my childhood and has continued to suffer due to some of their questionable behaviour that I have witnessed in them throughout my life.
When I confronted and questioned them both about what I had uncovered my father’s attitude and words were appalling. When he first answered the door he was so angry that I now knew some truth about his secret world that he refused to let me in the house; following on from this initial stand-off I had the opportunity to question both my parents about both historical and then more recent events. My father expressed very little remorse for his actions nor any sign of empathy at all for those of us who have suffered as a result of his actions, including his wife. The manner in which he disclosed his past actions and experiences, including some of his sexual acts, was delivered so matter-of-factly that I was left feeling completely dumbfounded.
I ended the conversation expressing my wish for no further relationship with each of my parents and I asked that they duly respected my decision.
Two weeks after confronting my parents my incredible wife gave birth to our beautiful son which marked the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I feel as if I am growing stronger each day. I want to and am motivated now more than ever to continue growing as a person, as a husband, and as a father. I feel determined, grateful and privileged to be in the position of being able to provide both of my sons with a childhood, and a father figure, that all children deserve to have.
