In 2012, at the age of 29, I found myself at the beginning of another long-term relationship and I was finding myself in a constant conflicted state. I was questioning why I found the relationship so difficult at times, I felt desperate to walk away from it but at the same time I had felt powerless to do so; I was also starting to find many other areas of my life very difficult to manage.
Around the same time I came across a book called The Chimp Paradox by Professor Steve Peters. I am a big snooker fan and one of the best players to ever grace the sport announced that he had been working with the Professor to improve his mentality around his game. I obtained a copy and read the book, and started to become aware of my inner chimp:
Professor Steve Peters explains the struggle that takes place within your mind. He then shows you how to apply this understanding to every area of your life so you can:
- Recognise how your mind is working
- Understand and manage your emotions and thoughts
- Manage yourself and become the person you would like to be
Your inner Chimp can be your best friend or your worst enemy… this is the Chimp Paradox [1]
I gained a new found consciousness and became aware of the conflict within my mind; I felt as if I had found the answer to many of my problems but I somehow knew that this would not be a quick fix which felt both exhilarating and frightening — this was just the beginning.
In 2013 I was taking the first steps on my spiritual journey; I felt confused about so many different things in life and I was beginning to ask some big questions within myself. I spent some time researching spiritual books and I came across Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now [2].
I have read The Power of Now once a year since I first read it back in 2013 and I feel as if I will continue to for the rest of my life. I felt that the underlying point of simply living in the now was one of the most obvious points I had ever heard; however, I soon came to realise that taking this approach on and attempting to live each day in such a way was no mean feat when you have spent many years of life battling a conflicted and overactive mind.
The other real strong point I took from the book was Tolle’s description and examples of a human’s ego. This gave me the platform to begin exploring my own ego and at the same time I was also able to start understanding the egos of others.
From 2015 to 2017 I struggled through a number of life events — the most difficult of all being a legal dispute over contact with my son who was born in 2014 — and each took their toll on my psychological and physiological wellbeing; my stress levels were so high that I decided to purchase a book from the Overcoming series entitled Overcoming Stress.
This book, which uses the CBT method, aids readers in recognising what happens to us when we feel stressed. My self-awareness level increased once again as a result reading this book; I began to understand on an even deeper level how I thought, how I felt, and how I acted [3].
Self-awareness gained through Psychodynamic Counselling
In late 2017 I came to the point where I knew I needed to seek professional help; I searched online for local counsellors and I began working with a psychotherapist who used the psychodynamic theory as her basis to work through my sessions with me.
I had always felt aware of a possible link between childhood experiences and, present day behaviour and actions but I had no real evidence to back this feeling up; after six months of psychodynamic therapy I was left with no doubt that my past had been a huge influencer on the way that I thought and behaved as an adult.
We managed to uncover a vast amount of unconscious past memories that I had repressed for many years; I also became aware of the severity and impact of the neglect, belittlement, abuse, and violence that I had experienced since birth. We uncovered so many things, and themes, that ran throughout my childhood all the way up until 2018.
On my 35th birthday in March 2018 I disclosed my counselling journey to my auntie who showed a lot of empathy for what I was going through. She recommended I read a book that she had read many years ago called Childhood Disrupted. This book shows the link between Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) and adult illnesses such as heart disease, autoimmune disease, and cancer; it also explains how to cope with these emotional traumas and even heal from them [4].
As I look back on those six months and discuss again here what I uncovered, I am able to understand and accept how difficult, but rewarding, it was for me. I found most of the sessions useful, and I enjoyed the cathartic response and feeling that I was leaving with each time; the most difficult thing to experience though was how much the six months took out of me.
Following a session my mind would digest and process what came up, especially whilst asleep overnight. In the days following a session I would have to spend the majority of the day in a complete state of rest due to complete exhaustion; I had repressed so many experiences, thoughts, and emotions.
Some of the experiences that I uncovered were that my parents would often argue in front of me by screaming and shouting at each other; I could vaguely recall my father being physically violent towards my mother on a number of occasions and I could certainly recall quite clearly the physical violence and emotional abuse that he inflicted on me.
My father spent between six & twelve months in prison when I was five and my brother was only three-years of age; around that same time I was severely bullied at school and I had to move schools as a result.
The use of language in our household was foul, full of swear words and references to sex; my parents would often wear no clothes around the house and act as if this was normal behaviour. Alcohol was a heavily used substance by both of my parents and my brother and I would often witness them in shocking, and embarrassing, intoxicated states.
The first six months of my therapeutic journey through counselling laid the foundations for me to change for the better. I have come to understand exactly who I am and what drives me; I have come to understand how I have acted and reacted in the past, and how I can still react inside at times, and I have also found out what role I play in certain relationships.
Many of my relationships with friends and family have changed quite dramatically and I feel that this is due to reflecting, with understanding, what it is that I want from my relationships.
I have come to understand and accept why I had the outlook on life that I did for so long and, as a result of all of my hard work, I am now living a more happier and fulfilling life.
References:
1. The Chimp Paradox: The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters
2. The Power of Now: Excerpt: The Power of Now A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
3. Overcoming Stress: Overcoming Stress by Gillian Todd | Hachette UK
4. Childhood Disrupted: Childhood Disrupted
