Mindfulness and “the Fade”
Those of us who have been in the dating world know all about “the fade.”
The fade happens when someone I’m dating decides that he no longer wants to date me, but he isn’t going to let me know directly. He’s just going to become less available and hope that eventually I catch on and go away.
Hmmm, doesn’t sound very nice. (Btw, I’m using “he” because I am a heterosexual female, but faders come in all shapes, sizes and genders.)
The fade also happens in friendships. In the same vein, a friend makes the decision that the friendship no longer works, and she’s just going to slowly back off and hope we can go our separate ways without too much hassle.
Likewise doesn’t feel very nice — but maybe more ambiguous.
The fade happens with work and creative projects too. More than once, I’ve been involved in a creative project with people who have backed away without letting me know why (once even taking my money with them, but that’s another story).
So what’s going on here?
There are times when fading may be the best course of action — friendships do grow apart after all. But most of the time, it isn’t. It just leaves someone bewildered and disappointed and wondering what went wrong.
At the heart of it, a fader is not a bad person (but don’t tell the faded on that!) Rather, the fader is trying to avoid his uncomfortable emotions. Every time he thinks of having a conversation with the faded on, he may feel a little tense, anxious or uncomfortable.
But instead of becoming mindful of these emotions; instead of turning toward them and trying to understand them better, he turns away — and he fades.
Some faders come back to apologize, even years later. But many faders are able to compartmentalize. If the faded on will leave them alone, they just put the person out of their mind and move on.
The problem is — when we fade, we’re usually out of integrity with ourselves, and we’ve allowed ourselves to become dull to another person’s confusion and disappointment (i.e. pain). Let’s face it — being faded on hurts. Not to mention, there’s no closure.
So what’s a fader to do? Well, foremost, to face the situation honestly. Emotional discomfort is usually (no, always) a sign that something internal requires further investigation. By being fully present with our anxiety or stress, we can make a decision to honor the other person’s feelings and offer ourselves some self-compassion and moral support. Maybe say something to ourselves, like, “hey, this kind of sucks, but it’s just a conversation (or an email) and it will probably be fine in the end.”
The ironic thing is that it usually is! Often when we turn toward the uncomfortable emotions and confront the situation with integrity, it isn’t so bad after all. The faded on might be hurt, but they usually appreciate being respected — even if it takes some time. The relationship may take a new direction or the people involved part amicably.
If that doesn’t happen, the fader — er rather, that stand-up individual— can walk away with his head high knowing that he acted decently. And even courageously.
