It’s okay to have big, huge, scary dreams

I’m finally okay with telling people that I want to be a writer.

I was a young and headstrong (read: stubborn) woman and I fell into a marriage, found myself figuring out how to be a wife and soon after, a mother of two. In all the madness of every day, I forgot to take time for me. I forgot what I liked to do and what I was good at.

Once I had more time on my hands, I got to rediscover myself on my journey for healing. I was new to my faith and I wanted a way to keep track of it. I had never heard of blogging, but I figured I would give it a try, just as a way to get my thoughts out of my head.

It turns out that I remembered how much I love to write and that it comes naturally to me. I’m never going to be a Stephen King type of writer with all the details, but I found my voice in being authentic and sharing real struggles of being a Christian single mother in today’s anti-Christ world.

For so long, I had this hobby, but I wasn’t really ready to call myself a writer. I really enjoyed reading books by Christian women because they were always describing my life. The things that they had learned and the advice they were giving always helped my perspective. But, I wasn’t sure that I would ever be on that level (I’m still not).

Recently, I’ve come to discover that I don’t have to be on their level to be successful. As long as I’m being obedient and using my gift, that’s all I have to worry about. God will make sure my words get read by the right people at the right time. I’ve never been concerned with followers, but I am glad when people let me know that they’ve shared my words with others or that it touched them and helped them in some way.

But, it’s so scary to share secrets and the details of my life, even if I don’t have to face my audience. There are lots of things that I feel called to share that I really don’t want the world to know. But, it’s the truth and the truth has been holding me accountable lately, or trying anyway.

Once I finally wrestled with God enough to know that this was His dream for me and not me being selfish and proud, the words didn’t come easily out of my mouth. I choked on them when I tried to tell people in real-life. I told my online friends because I wouldn’t ever have to see their judgmental glances. The truth is, though, that they never judged me at all.

When I share my dream with people, their reactions are always a little different.

Sometimes, it’s someone who’s read my writing and they say that it would be good for me to use my gift.

Other times, they just raise one eyebrow, like they are a little confused puppy dog. “You want to do what?”

At times, friends and family gave me the obligatory, “Whatever you want to do, you’ll succeed at!” (I know this is meant to be a good thing, but it’s so frustrating sometimes! I already put a huge amount of pressure on myself anyway and this makes it much worse.)

Sometimes, I don’t even share it with people because I don’t want to know what their response will be.

I have been feeling the tug lately to get back to writing. I feel like a part of me is missing. I just need to write and stop letting that self-doubt voice in my head win every day. Consistency has always been my biggest struggle.

So, I am going to try out this Medium thing and see how it goes. There are so many amazing writers here that aren’t just writing about every day life, but also about writing itself.

Would you share with me what your big, scary dreams are? Have you started working towards it or are you still in a state of denial?

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