An ode to good ol’ confrontation. What happened to talking it out?

Joe Buchoff
Aug 9, 2017 · 4 min read

While I have a functioning social life, which, yeah, could be better, but also is mostly fulfilling right now, I have recently fallen out with many of my friends.

Let me preface this by saying I have recently read No More Mister Nice Guy and have wholeheartedly changed my life for what I hope is the better. Time and life has yet to show me.


Cue October 2015. I am on the stage at Rutgers Speechcraft, a final competition where the two winners will speak at TEDx Rutgers.

I am about to go up when a young man, about my age, sitting next to me stands up to give a speech.

His name, for our purposes, is Charles (it’s not, but let’s say it is.) Charles speaks about Pickup and his journey from being an introvert to becoming an entrepreneur who is comfortable around girls and has a plentiful dating life.

I had just gotten into pickup, and once he sat down, I enthusiastically greeted him, introduced myself, and shared my interest in keeping in touch.

Over the course of a year, we would attend parties together, invite each other to our events (he invited me to Rutgers Entrepreneurial Society, I invited him to my club’s Yule Ball… Rutgers — you’re welcome for the Yule Ball.)

We helped each other grow in what was at times a rivalry, and at others a sense of mutual support.

Of course, problems grew on both sides, and in my part, I definitely admit to trying to bring down his success. In fact I admitted this to him at one point. I felt bad about my passive aggressiveness, but at the time, I had not become aware enough to control it. I just knew I had malevolent intentions and once I realized it, I did what I could to repair the damage.

Our friendship went on, and at one point something weird happened.

We had gone to a talk — The King’s Landing — where a group of entrepreneurs would join at a diner and discuss things. Like mustard gas and sealing wax. Like cabbages and kings.

The day after, I was kicked from the group.

No explanation.

I messaged him.

No explanation.

Some short, meaningless response.

I followed up over the period of a few weeks trying to set up a meeting to confront, discuss and resolve the situation. I was aware of nothing I had done wrong, and everyone else in the group I asked had absolutely no problem with me.

We have since made up to some extent, although at a large detriment of my trust in him. And I know I cannot get close to him due to hislack of communication…

And I realized something…

With this guy, and with a few other people in my life, including one last weekend, I notice a pattern.

The beginning of the friendship involves a give and take on my end, and on their end an expulsion of generosity. Over time, naturally, they give less, and my gives and takes balance out.

Then, one day, they (certain friends who follow this pattern) suddenly get frustrated (seemingly suddenly at least) and are unable to explain it. Or explain it with some weird excuse (my last fallout with a friend involved him sharing frustratoin that I reached out to a friend of his saying “what’s up.”)

I realized something.

These friends were passive aggressive the whole relationship.

In the case of Charles, he gave the reason “I was trying to change you the whole time I knew you, but you wouldn’t learn so I gave up.”

..?

Charles had never confronted me about anything. If he was trying to teach me something, it would have been “Hey! Here’s how you have a friendship which is fulfilling to a pleasing extent.”

There was nothing he did which suggested he wanted to teach me anything.

I suggested he say it aloud…

Which was when he shut down.

Which brought me to my main boundary of my life:

I. Do. Not. Tolerate. Passive. Aggressiveness.

At. All.

In myself, or in others.

If I suspect someone is being passive aggressive, I will ask them if they need to say anything, doing what I can to make them feel welcome to be vulnerable.

If they cannot articulate anything they need to say, I will choose to trust them on their word that they have nothing to say.

If this happens often, I will confront it again, and if need be, cut the cord.

Some people call these people “nice guys” although it certainly doesn’t just apply to men.

With women, who are naturally more vulnerable (as well as some social conditioning, but we cannot ignore the natural gender differences so many people see as taboo — cue the angry feminist messages. I am ready *dons ideological raincoat and umbrella*) I expect it more and tolerate it a bit more in everyday relations — only because it’s more expected of women to be a bit passive aggressive. But for female friends and lovers I have the same boundary — honest vulnerable communication no matter what.

If you read this and realize I’m talking about you…

a) stop.

b) if you need help, pick up a copy of No More Mister Nice Guy (link to Amazon page)

Passive aggressiveness kills relationships dead in their tracks.

Confronting situations with words may be uncomfortable in the moment, but in the end, it’s like that long day of work which is so satisfying when you’re relaxed, exhausted on the bed. Feeling fulfilled and amazing about yourself.

Make the world a better place. Confront yourself and others in relationships.

Joe Buchoff

Written by

I believe freedom is of utmost importance. I believe time freedom is easily achievable and readily available. I believe cultivating values is the key to success

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