I know my family cared for me, but I know better that they’re not the best support system for my well being. Every time I brought any issues to them (feminism, mental health, spirituality — not religiosity, mind you, politics, my current mental state, starseed, etc), they don’t quite grasp my thoughts about them. Sure, they listened to my ramblings, but they don’t understand how serious I am when I told them. I mean like, my mom is a certified psychologist, but does she even know that her daughter is constantly dealing with anxiety? Does she even know that I’m battling with depression? Does she even know that I’m considering taking anti-depressants to cope with myself? I know that mental health issues ARE invisible, but do my family have never even caught a glimpse of mental illness symptoms in me? I know I am not good at concealing my emotions, so why are they THAT oblivious?
I know each family member has their own concerns. I do understand that they have their own responsibilities. I rarely whine about my family, because no matter what I said about them, I cannot change the fact that I am a part of them.
These days, I don’t even feel like myself. And their reactions when I talked to them about anything are just another thing to trigger my emotional breakdown.
I didn’t ask for more attention.
I didn’t ask for more money.
I’m only asking you guys to be more understanding, but deep in my heart, I know that you guys can’t even provide it for me. That’s what hurts me.
In the end, writing is my only way to keep myself sane. Writing is my only emotional outlet since I can’t talk freely about my thoughts.
I hope that writing will always be enough, and maybe I can only hope I will find someone to pull me out from the depths of water in which I drown.