Things I Will Forever Blame on Myself
(Even when I’m totally not at fault)
Here’s the deal with losing your parent(s) on such a young age:
- You grieved later on life
I was too young to understand that he’s gone forever. I naively hoped he would be back — that all of those ruckus at our home was only a joke — only to found her gazed at the guests with a blank stare. Which means everything was real.
A few years later I cried over and over because I didn’t understand back then. I blame myself for being ignorant. I grieved for the Father’s day gift my friends gave to their fathers. I wept at my graduation, waiting for a sign that he indeed was there.
2. You know bits of information about them from someone else
He always had dinner before 6 pm
He loved movies
He often misplaced his glasses
He’s good at convincing people
He loved literature
He loved Chinese takeaway — well duh, because he’s Chinese
He had an excellent sense of direction
But I don’t know what is his favorite color, I don’t know how his college life was like, I don’t know what was his shoe size, and list goes on.
I blame myself for not knowing what was he like. I blame myself for not knowing enough about him. I grieved because I gradually losing grasp on my memories about him. I wept because I’m starting to forget his voice and his facial features. And for all of that, I always blame myself.
