Things I Will Forever Blame on Myself

(Even when I’m totally not at fault)

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Jul 27, 2017 · 1 min read

Here’s the deal with losing your parent(s) on such a young age:

  1. You grieved later on life

I was too young to understand that he’s gone forever. I naively hoped he would be back — that all of those ruckus at our home was only a joke — only to found her gazed at the guests with a blank stare. Which means everything was real.

A few years later I cried over and over because I didn’t understand back then. I blame myself for being ignorant. I grieved for the Father’s day gift my friends gave to their fathers. I wept at my graduation, waiting for a sign that he indeed was there.

2. You know bits of information about them from someone else

He always had dinner before 6 pm

He loved movies

He often misplaced his glasses

He’s good at convincing people

He loved literature

He loved Chinese takeaway — well duh, because he’s Chinese

He had an excellent sense of direction

But I don’t know what is his favorite color, I don’t know how his college life was like, I don’t know what was his shoe size, and list goes on.

I blame myself for not knowing what was he like. I blame myself for not knowing enough about him. I grieved because I gradually losing grasp on my memories about him. I wept because I’m starting to forget his voice and his facial features. And for all of that, I always blame myself.

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