I consider myself responsible for everything I do: how I feel, what I say, my reactions to others, that very substandard bleach job in the mid-2000s. The stylist did not threaten me. I literally chose that shade of blonde and a haircut that resembled Pat Benatar were she an animated Don Bluth rat. While the stylist could have warned me that I might regret it 10 years later, very few people have such foresight. Those that do make livings as futurists, not hairstylists in Metarie, Louisiana.
What it boils down to is that sometimes I’m proud of myself. Other times I really disappoint myself. For example:
Things I’m Proud Of
- Never compromising and pulling the Renegade trigger even when like super pissed off, thus remaining a perfect Paragon throughout all three Mass Effect games
- Being independent as fuck
- Not settling for mediocrity in my life and fighting for the best
- Not quitting just because something is difficult, hurts, and/or terrifies me
- My exquisite taste in, well, everything except men
- Not letting harassment immediately drive me out of my gaming community
Things I’m Disappointed About
- Thinking I’d find a cool dude on OKCupid
- Thinking I’d find a cool dude on Tinder
- Thinking I’d find a cool dude on Bumble
- Using three dating apps before actually learning that I won’t find a cool dude on any of them
- Using four dating apps before actually learning that I won’t find a cool dude on any of them, because I just realized I’m still using some piece of shit dating app called Sapio
- Going so long in life without having good boundaries
- Being far too trusting because I’d rather not deal with my own unrealistic expectations of people
So yeah, there’s a lot of stuff going around in my head. I’m sure you can relate. But I promised I’d talk how I’m fighting harassment, because two of those topics on the disappointment list are directly related to my negative experiences. This is about my work on not letting the actions and inactions of others immediately drive me out of my gaming community. This is about how I’m not only fighting but also healing and growing as a person.
Such Great Heights
It would be simple for me to walk away from larping due to my negative experiences with sexual harassment in the Mind’s Eye Society larp community. I’m really happy with work right now. I’m excited for my 2017 travels. My parents and I are closer than ever. Anniedog and I are best bitches. I met a cool dude who I can’t stop thinking about (not on an app, never on an app). My amount of friends in Los Angeles is growing exponentially. What do I need a larp community for?
If I recall correctly, I once loved it. Looking back at my Facebook, it’s easy to see how much larping meant to me. Clear Zuckerbergian documentation proves that I once traveled to regional and national larp events hardly able to contain my excitement. A couple months ago I told someone that I’d never had a better trip than to Roanoke, Virginia, over a Fourth of July weekend. It coincided with a national larping event, but those four days were just an all around beautiful experience. I saw old friends and made new ones, but beneath pretend vampire time, I grew as a person in Roanoke. It reinforced my independence on that Independence Weekend, and I am incredibly grateful for that time.
What I’m also grateful for are all the people I connect with on different levels. Some are intimate friends, others are just fun people to drink with. I miss each and every one of them, but it is so difficult to speak to most members. I am deeply protective of myself now. I trusted so many people, and 98% did nothing wrong. It’s this bad 2% that haunts me, but everyone — including me — is unfairly paying for their shitty behavior. And what an incredibly shitty community that creates when this happens to so many others. The mistrust and anger just multiplies, and suddenly our games and friendships suffer across the U.S. It’s really bothered me, and in hoping to address it, I forced myself to play again long before I was ready. So when diving back into playing didn’t work, I set upon a new trajectory: thoughtfulness.
Something Better
I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted the Mind’s Eye Society Board of Directors to do about harassment.
I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted MES leadership (coordinators and storytellers) to do about harassment.
I also spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted other members to do — both regular members and those perceived as bullies and harassers.
What it came down to is this: The BoD can never entirely fix harassment. Leadership can never entirely fix harassment. Individual members can never entirely fix harassment. Yes, we can enact policy and work to change culture — and we should! But systems are ripe for abuse, and we’re all very human. There is only one thing that can help: Self care.
No one will ever take care of me like I take care of me.
Like I said above, I am responsible for all I say and do and feel. Whether I respond positively or negatively, it’s all on me. I try so hard not to pop off on Facebook, and most of the time I don’t. One time I did, and I was embarrassed by my behavior. It doesn’t help anyone, and in fact that negativity hinders our community. When someone sees a member of the club losing their shit, it’s disheartening. Assumptions are made, arguments explode, and people die on dumbass ski moguls rather than larger, yet still dumbass hills. The hateful chasm between members grows because we can’t check our shit, most often on social media (shameless plug for my first article about my larp community).
When I really think about quitting, I think about how widespread the harassment and negativity is beyond the MES/larp microcosm. Just because I walk away here doesn’t mean I won’t face it in another community. If I learn to deal with it now, it’s going to help me in the long run. I’m going to be far better equipped and much more resilient when a stranger gropes my boob in a bar, or some douche thinks I don’t know what I’m doing when I say we’re gonna rebuild a site from the ground up because it’s built on Foundation JS that freaks out with JQuery all the time.
Anyway…
You Get What You Give
Here’s what I’m doing to work through my disproportionate distrust of 98% of MES (and really the rest of the world):
1. Acknowledge Shit Happened to Me
While yes, I hope what I write about will help others, I’m also making sure I fully accept that it happened to me. No, this doesn’t mean those dudes who followed me to my hotel room, or that guy who used me as his emotional garbage can for two years are off the hook. Fuuuuck noooooo. They’re responsible for their shitty behavior, I’m just here to break their hold over me.
So how am I acknowledging and accepting this pain and bullshit? Partially with sass, mostly very, very seriously. Before I made any of this public, I talked in depth with very close friends and with my therapist. Then I really thought about it. Then I wrote. Then I hesitated for weeks. Then I finally published. Writing helped me understand that there was no going back, my trust has been irrevocably destroyed by some shitty experiences and people. But those experiences don’t have to define me or control me. I choose to learn from them and make sure they are less likely to happen again.
Hey, I’m by no means A-OK, but I’m a helluva lot better since I stopped saying, “Sketchy Dude #17 did this to me!” Instead I say, “Fuck, man, this really sucked, but now I know how to prevent it in the future.” I refuse to spend the rest of my life defining myself as a victim of some douche who wouldn’t take no for an answer and treated me like a helpless waif (do you even know me, bro?). Life isn’t all cherries and top shelf bourbon. Sometimes it’s mediocre bourbon, and I’m thankful that it’s not bourbon distilled by some dude in his backyard with three years of dirt caked under his long, jagged fingernails, stirring it with a questionable femur bone, and spicing it with stray beard hairs. Yet sometimes life really is that. Sometimes. Not all the time.
2. Establishing Better Boundaries
This is how I’ll prevent harassment next time. Many of you know I’d interact with just about anyone, give anyone a shot at roleplaying with my character, June. I really love being inclusive and entertaining others. The bad part is when I give too much, or I don’t say no when I’m so, so tired from a long day at work, but twenty people are waiting on an email reply from me, and they are not twenty people who are also paid by my employer. Or when I laugh and smile nervously instead of firmly saying, “Hey, I don’t like this. Please stop following me and go back to the lobby before I call a coordinator/hotel security/this badass bitch who knows krav maga.”
When I set boundaries, it proliferates into other areas of my life. I feel more empowered to assert my needs and wants, which must be my number one concern. While I have many friends concerned for my wellbeing, none of them know what I need better than myself. Now when I’m slightly uncomfortable, I’ve said no. At first, I wasn’t very good at it. Sometimes I was too harsh, and I apologized. Sometimes it wasn’t enough, and I resolved to get better at it. Always, I felt safer each time I set up a boundary. When successful, I celebrate with expensive scotch, which I probably shouldn’t do because I could either become an alcoholic or bankrupt, or both. If I was into compromising the quality of my life, I’d line me up some of that beard bourbon. HaaaaaaaNO.
3. Developing Better Self-Awareness
I’m pretty self aware in many aspects, but I can always be better. For example, I can be blissfully naive when it comes to other people using me and taking advantage of my kindness. I’ll overdo it. Worse, I’ve made excuses for people who’ve brutally used me, all because I didn’t want to feel stupid. It wasn’t stupidity though, it was merely me, hoping for the best out of other people. Hoping to the point of delusion is bad, and it’s another flaw of mine. Someone once described me as “painfully sincere.” It’s probably the most accurate description of me I’ve ever heard, because I am so up front when I communicate, and it bewilders me when others aren’t just as open and heartfelt (I once had a boss ask me if I was autistic because of this attribute). So I’d just start hoping people were as direct as I was, and — you’re going to be absolutely stunned by this, I know it — they weren’t. Some people were deceptive and cruel and used my kindness and hope against me. Once I became more self-aware in this regard, I (mostly) stopped expecting other people to behave as I do, and I’m taken advantage of far less.
Like I’ve said before, I can’t control others, but I can control my expectations, my responses, my choices, and so on. When emotions flare up, I ask myself What’s going on? What’s the root of this? If it’s stubbornness, I try to be more flexible (within my boundaries!). If I’m judging the fuck out of someone, I step back and try to empathize and see things from where they’re at. Self-awareness. It’s awesome, I swear.
4. HAH! There is no four! The article title says only three! And holy fuck, guys, I’m exhausted.
I’m seriously overwhelmed right now. A tremendous amount of people reached out after my last article, and I haven’t had the energy to get back to many of them. So many people sent me descriptions of horrific things that have happened to them, and it’s more than I can process. I’m not a therapist in any fashion, completely unequipped to deal with the outpouring. Still, what people told me was important, to them and to our larping community. So until I can give a thoughtful, quality reply, these things must wait. When I finally do reply, I can explain that all this emotional exposure depletes my reserves because all of this is very painful. Boundaries and self care in action, right there, buddies.
Why do I bring this up? Because the above work I’m doing is also exhausting and painful. It’s some of the hardest work I’ve ever done––which is why you don’t hear about it often as a means of fighting harassment. Like no one told me how to handle men creeping on me, no one tells you how to fight for yourself. Often you have to figure it out for yourself (bullshit, I know). Furthermore, if it were easy, it’d be like scrolling through Instagram until you realize it’s been four days and your armpit hair grew into Wolverine’s claws and your delicate underarm flesh is now bloody ribbons. Far more difficult than me remembering who the bad guys are in Star Wars — DON’T TELL ME I HAVE TO LEARN OMG.
It’s also incredibly worth it. There are so few things we can control — 2016 proved that, huh? — but knowing I’m capable of making my own decisions and handle my own shit is the most amazing feeling. It’s worth being so exhausted I sometimes sleep twelve hours. It’s worth the empowerment that’s sprawling throughout my entire life. It’s worth the strength I’m gaining as a product manager at work, as a potential girlfriend for a lovely gentleman, as a daughter, as a dog mom, as a friend, and hopefully, once again, as your fellow MES member.
So really, I need to add one thing to the list of what I’m proud of: This work I’m doing to make myself and my community a better place to experience awesome things.
And maybe how I didn’t make a single Nickelback joke throughout this entire article. I hold myself entirely responsible for this failure, but at least I’m still not drinking beard bourbon.
