breaking the chain of disappointments..

you’ve begun the dance of death and now we dance until we die.

I always felt like I don’t belong. like a misfit in a room of people who seem to belong together. felt like an alien or something and I still do. I even feel like an outsider when I’m under outsiders. I’m blacker than other black sheeps. speaking metaphorically of course.

I know rejection better than anything else. that aching feeling in your chest. the bitterness in your mouth when you taste rejection. I know that from a higher/universal point, everyone is good enough, because all is one, so there is no comparison of less or more. But on a human level, where we are facing the illusion of separation, this feeling/illusion of not being good enough can feel very real. and it hurts. doesn’t aim the pain when someone says that you are good enough because you are the universe experiencing itself for a little while from an individual standpoint. I think I’m that kind of person who will always know the feeling. I’m afraid to get close and I don’t wanna be alone. I want connection and I also don’t want it but I don’t want it because of ego reasons like fear. I fear of losing it again. I don’t wanna be happy knowing I will lose that happiness again. I’d rather have nothing than having something temporarily just for the sake of losing it. I don’t want anyone to touch me. Yet I want to let someone close. I can’t trust people anymore when it comes to relationships. Because I always feel like I’m not enough for them.

I always have my hopes up and get disappointed in the end. I sometimes want to turn cold, unattached, like no one matters to me. The reason I want that is because I fear abandonment and rejection. No one can hurt you or abandon you when you are already all alone or don’t give a fuck. There’s no rejection in loneliness. There is no abandonment when you don’t let someone close, because there is a risk of loss. So I don’t want to risk.

Every person on earth has been rejected before, everyone knows how it feels like to not be good enough. Its like something overwhelms you.

think I just can’t get over the worst rejection in my life, being abandoned by the person who means the world to you feels like everything has left you, everything feels cold, you can’t feel your heart beating, your breath is shallow. you’re turning into stone. I can’t get over this abandonment because she was the only one I had a deep connection with. A real deep connection. And I lost it. She means everything to me, and it feels like nothing could ever cure this pain. I’m so deeply heartbroken, I feel like nothing can fix this. I lost the person that teached me what love really is. She made me question all of the previous stuff I had before. I love her so much, unconditionally, eternally. So deeply that I just can’t bear the fact that she left me. There is nothing that could make this okay. I’m so disappointed because I thought she is different, I thought everything would be different when I’m with her. I’m disappointed and disgusted by myself for getting excited about her. If only I knew.

I wish I could break the chain of constant disappointments. Maybe I should stop being so positive about anything but it would make me feel like I’m a soulless marionette. hope seems pointless, either it happens or it doesn’t happen. Hope doesn’t influence the future. The only thing that hope does is breeding pain. You can only get disappointed when you hope for something or get excited. I feel like never getting excited again, never wanting to hope for something again, because I can’t best the misery that it brings.

On the one side, I want to connect with someone again but on the other side I don’t because I know it will end like everything ever ended. Maybe I’m not made for happiness. Maybe I’m not made for love. Maybe I’m meant to be eternally heartbroken and sad because pain is the only thing that makes me creative. Artists are heartbroken for an eternity. Pain is what shaped us.

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