Elevator Etiquette

The way people get into and out of an elevator is most educational.

I’ve witnessed countless elevator “transactions” over the years, having lived in a number of buildings with elevators and having worked in a number of large companies with commensurately large elevators.

The most egregious breach of elevator propriety is committed when one stands directly in front of, and quite close to, the doors of an elevator while awaiting its arrival.

Upon the elevator opening, the individuals inside who are closest to the doors are suddenly put face-to-face with any individual(s) waiting for their turn to descend or ascend, as the case may be.

This produces a somewhat unpleasant and embarrassing shock as both parties stand frozen for a moment, recovering from the intrusion into their personal space and trying to decide who ought to move first.

Life, however, is full of unpleasant things, so we can’t blame the shock.

It had nothing to do with its own presence at the party.

It was merely called upon to do its job and performed admirably.

What is, however, deservedly unpleasant is the understanding that waiting directly in front of an elevator’s doors is, in a word, inefficient.

And that despite this rather simple understanding, we continue to find ourselves in these elevator scrambles.

Invariably, one party will have to move out of the way to permit the passage of the opposing party.

And, as is the case with trains/subways/buses/ferries/etc., it is most sensible to allow the disembarking passengers the right of way, upon the complete evacuation of whom, the embarking passengers can move in a neat line swiftly onto/into the conveyance.

This is, for the vast majority of conventional conveyances, the most efficient, fastest, most considerate way to ride.

This requires of elevator riders several qualities.

Patience — because although they may be in a hurry to board, their concern of continuing their journey expeditiously is LEAST effectively remedied by impeding the flow of bodies OUT of the veehickle in question.

Forethought — because a scant few Joules of cogitation would reward them with the insight that their impatient approach not only prevents them from boarding more quickly (which is the component of the system that they are maladroitly attempting to optimize), but it is making the entire system less efficient across several dimensions (speed, courtesy, collective IQ).

This behavior, therefore, is doubly indicative of the need for a mass eugenics program because the rushing passenger is neither optimizing the one component of the system over which he has some control, NOR the system as a whole.

And it is made triply stupid by the fact that only a few rides on a public conveyance, even in the most abstracted of states, would impart upon an individual these understandings.

As it is unlikely that the next person you see acting in this manner is riding an elevator for the first time in his life, it is perfectly reasonable to assume he is simply just a moron.

(At least when it comes to riding elevators.

We want to be generous in allowing for domain-specific moronism as it is my understanding that all manner of otherwise smart people ride elevators.

And, we want to be more generous still as it is possible that there is a more granular domain specificity that dictates superlative levels of idiocy on elevators, even as brain function returns to normal on ferries, busses, minivans, tuk-tuks, jeepneys and certain models of swamp boats.

And, lastly, if you’ve ever been on a conveyance in China, or a conveyance outside of China occupied primarily by Chinese, it can’t be the case that despite such stupid behavior among every single member of the group that they are all stupid in other areas of their lives as well.)

If you are one of the ones whose cranial encasement suffers volumetric diminution in the vicinity of an elevator, print the following directions and keep with you at all times:

1. Stand 3 feet away from, and at a 45 degree angle from the elevator doors.
2. Wait for all of the passengers to disembark and clear completely out of the way
3. Proceed into the elevator following the invididual in front of you, if applicable.
4. Assume a compact position within the elevator that permits the passage of and storage of others.
5. Hold in any importunate flatulence that may arise and speak, if you must, in a quiet voice.