How rejection really feels like to me…
I have read a lot about rejection; about the strategies that one can take to combat it, steer through it and stay in the course. A lot is out there. But it has not made rejection any easier to accept and swallow.
When you read about it- it’s easier; its more theoretical and it can help you be prepared when it happens. However, when you are rejected; it then becomes practical and you need to put all the strategies into work. Something that I know is not easy at all- for you will be consumed with disappointment and heartbreak.
“No” hurts. Maybe that is why many of us are still struggling to say it to other people because we know first hand how it felt when the word was thrown into our faces.
So, yes, I have been struggling lately with rejection; and instead of applying everything that I have read about the subject, I had to face it in my own environment, with my own goals and dreams and try to see if I could muster enough courage to get out the dark pool that I was thrown in after being rejected.
How do you get out of the labyrinth of the effect and aftershocks of rejection? Because we all know, its not about the hurricane itself that devastates us but the havoc it creates and effects left behind. The wreckage. The destruction. The loss of hope, courage and self esteem. The murder of the will to go on or persevere.
How do you get out of that? Because as much as we would like to convince ourselves that rejection is not about us but about them ( those who have rejected us); we all know the statement is not wholly true. Partially its false, aiming at making ourselves feel better which in the end robs us of the most important lesson that rejection could bless us with- accountability.
When I was rejected by someone that I had been in a relationship with for five years- my world crashed. Not because I loved them to death but because I was crushed as person as the rejection personally attacked my self esteem (I am not good enough); my social standing (everyone will know I was left behind) and everything else you could imagine; I lived through that.
I consoled myself that it was about them and not me. Thus I was able to feel better by excluding myself out of the equation. It wasn’t until I was able to face my part in the rejection, that I was able to fully move on but above it all become a better person- a better woman and a better partner.
As much as we hate rejection sometimes it signifies that something is wrong in us and we need to take actions to change that. Moreover, it could show that though we are playing in the major leagues- we have become complacent-our game though on point could still use some fine tuning to advance it and take it to the next higher level.
I personally love rejections that comes with feedback- no matter how hurtful it might be. This feedback helps me to go back to the drawing board and look at all the reasons that I was rejected with- then I group these reasons into the ones that I can work with and improve accordingly. The ones that I cannot do that- I improvise on the them; taking a different route that is suitable to me to attain that. Then there are that I can not change at all- I put them in my mental folder for if I cannot work on them now, I might be able to do so next time. So I store them for future growth reminding myself that you cannot do everything right now. Some things take time and will require a different me- something that I am working on.
The result is a better authentic me with a raised game- a much better game than what I had previously. The rejection has allowed me to grow and improve.
I remember one time I wrote a manuscript that was so good (according to me) and I was sure that I was going to receive highest praises for it. When an email came with “we are sorry but your manuscript was rejected….” I was flabbergasted. I was angry and I knew they were not fair to me. There must be a mistake. I told myself.
I mopped around for two days- until I decided enough was enough and took another go on the article based on what they said.
The result- a masterpiece. Honestly, I have not been able to produce another manuscript like that. It was one of kind.
However, I hate rejection that don’t come with feedback. “your work was rejected”. Okay, I understand. “ why was it rejected though?” no specific answers — just work on it some more and submit for future consideration.
You are not helping me grow- you’re frustrating me. And I hate being frustrated. I want to be better. Help me to be better by offering insights that can help me achieve that and perfect my work in the process.
“No” shouldn't be the final answer. It should be the beginning of a dialogue that leads to negotiations that eventually will result into mutual growth as both parties will be able to glimpse the other person’s perspective- and work from there to create magic.
Needless to say, when you are rejected- give yourself an opportunity to self evaluate. This will help you get up with a different stance assumed from the previous one that you fell to.
Don’t be arrogant and get up each time at the same place with the same perspective hoping they were wrong and you were right. Negotiate your stand and be open enough to hear what others have to say.
Rejection may surprise you. Sometimes in a very bad way- leaving you heaving on the floor after it has rendered you with a technical knockout. While sometimes-it may allow you to go back to the drawing board and evaluate your technique, skills, capabilities and allow you to see not only your next move but a bigger picture in the grand scheme of things- leading to immense growth.
Allow rejection to be part of your growth as you work on your dreams and not be a killer to them.