I Say “Asexual”, Men hear “A Challenge ;)”
I’ve been out as an asexual women for long enough to be able to explain it to someone in my sleep. Not having sexual attraction is a difficult concept for most people to understand so I don’t mind having the occasional chat and end up answering a lot of very personal questions in very public places. It just goes with the territory. However, there is a distinct portion of the population (men) who hear asexual and think, a girl who just needs a little teaching.. if you know what I mean…
I met one such guy the other night when I decided to pull the trigger and go out with someone I’d been chatting with online. For those of you I just confused, I do enjoy romance and intimacy just not sex. I was already a little nervous, I am a fairly small woman meeting an internet guy after all, but he seemed nice as we talked a bit about our jobs and the movies we liked. Then came the moment when I had to let him know we were not doing the horizontal tango because I’m asexual. His first question was, “are you a virgin?” And this is when I knew what he’d just heard was the chance at a prize. He took the opportunity to let me know that we didn’t have to have sex because his dick was probably too big, but he could teach me how to do other things.
He went on to do and say just about every insulting thing he could manage including “teaching” me how to kiss, telling me he could be the guy to change me, and asking about my childhood and when I got my first period.
The frustrating part was that I’ve met this kind of guy before. He can come in varying degrees of douche, and can even show up in friends, but he did not come by this behavior naturally. Boys are taught early on that women are prizes and that those who make you wait for sex are a challenge that men can best. Add to that age and testosterone and you can get a cocky asshole, or someone dangerous. Most men probably don’t even know that this can lead to problematic behavior that can be honestly frightening or insulting to any woman who wants to wait or doesn’t want sex at all. The same can be said for any gender combination, but I think it’s more often seen in men because it has been encouraged by everything they’ve grown up seeing and hearing.
I’m more than happy to engage someone in a discussion about this subject, especially if they truly are confused and just want to understand. There is nothing wrong with trying to learn about something that is beyond your personal experiences. To put it bluntly though, I’m a grown ass woman not your project.