In yoga, they’re always talking about “practicing with intention.” I don’t know much about yoga, but from what I’ve gathered, “practicing with intention” involves meditating on why you’re there and what you’ve set out to accomplish in the first place. And then you connect your breaths, hold in a fart, and stand in awkward poses while pretending to be a mountain, a tree, or a baby.

And that’s exactly why I don’t like yoga.

The argument for conscious living, constant focus, calculated intention, and mindful meditation pisses me off. Here’s why.

The other night I stayed up until 3 o’clock in the morning using a razor to de-pill sweatpants while listening to a friend wax philosophically about The Best Way To Live Life (or maybe it was Proper Attitude Toward Life) over our generation’s version of the salon, the place where all important conversations happen nowadays… gchat. After a while, he elegantly concluded that we all need to reach our fullest potential — that “to the extent we aren’t living life to the fullest, and taking advantage of opportunities, and pushing ourselves, we are doing ourselves a disservice.”

The reason? “Because we can do so much more. We are capable of more.”

(That was a line on its own; I watched his window flash green several times because I actually opened it up and decided to read his entire rant.)

In theory, I could get down with that. Yes, we are capable of more. Yes, we can do so much more. Yes, we can move forward with purpose. Yes, we should try to be the best versions of ourselves. I would be lying if I said I didn’t prescribe to most of that logic, for most of my life.

But the thing is, that “logic” isn’t very logical at all. Intentionality and purpose have very real limits, and we get too caught up in thinking that we have the actual ability to control what happens to us by living in a certain way and thinking or doing certain things. In the end, what we can do, how we can move forward, what versions of ourselves we become — none of that depends solely on intention. Rather, it’s a mixture of things — yes, partially intention — but mostly complex external factors which put us on the various stages in which we act our lives out. I honestly don’t think we have much of a say in what the play is, let alone what happens in each scene or act.

“Wow, that’s really fucking depressing. You even brought out the overused Shakespeare analogy,” you say.

But what’s so fucking depressing about it, anyway?

Not everything has to be done in earnest. Not everything has to have a purpose. Not everything has to be a product of a plan. Not everything that comes from control is necessarily good. Routine isn’t always comforting. And comfort isn’t always better.

Chaos, disorder, and overall messiness in people’s lives gets a bad reputation because it’s really uncomfortable and unpredictable. It makes us feel out of sorts and in general, no one likes that. The mean part of me always thinks it’s an indicator that I’m not enough of a Responsible Adult To Handle Things if I don’t have a set song/dance routine to my life.

But chaos, disorder, and messiness often causes you to stumble upon the most wonderful and horrible experiences possible. Some of the best things in my life have come from missed opportunities that I let go, mistakes that I let happen, ways that I fucked up… Some came from poor planning, a shitty attitude, or a general lack of enthusiasm. And more than my choices, chaos and disorder has shaped every ugly rough edge and smooth curve of my life.

So what is this blog? Why am I writing? What is my intention?

I’m still not sure, but I don’t have to be. Good art never came out of a good plan for me. If I can make bad art, that’s OK too. Good experiences were never planned down to the minute. Bad experiences weren’t, either.

Tonight, a friend told me, “Your opinion is valuable because it’s your opinion. Not because it’s the best one, or the most learned. It may sound trite, but people will appreciate you for who you are.”

He also told me, “Nobody is going out with you because you are the best in bed or the best kisser or whatever. They just like you.”