Maine State Police memo, 1/04/2016

As we approach the doldrums between lobster smuggling season and blueberry smuggling season, the office of the Governor has asked the men and women of the Maine State Police Department to help with a nationwide problem that has spread to the Pine Tree State: opiate addiction among citizens who cannot be easily or safely marginalized. While previously opiate addiction could be effectively treated with the judicious use of vagrancy charges and batons, the spread of “dope” to those with adequate legal representation and/or openly carried assault rifles requires a more nuanced approach.

To that end, our personal war on opiates will focus less on the victims of substance abuse and more on the suppliers and enablers that hold our beautiful state in chemical bondage. Stage One of our new campaign occurred last week with the simultaneous multi-city raids on CVS pharmacies throughout Maine, as well as a statewide manhunt for the mysterious “Duane Reade.” The office of the Governor has since informed us that this was not the intent of their anti-opiate initiative, and that all confiscated supplies of Percocet, OxyContin, and Big Flats-brand American adjunct lager be returned as soon as feasible. Stage Two of our effort shall be under direct control of the office of the Governor and will confine itself to the surveillance, tracking, and — if necessary — summary execution of the following Persons of Interest.

Please understand that these Persons of Interest have not officially been convicted or suspected of any criminal activity even though we all know they’re up to something. Our secret source in the office of the Governor rarely has access to more than “street names,” but this is less a problem than you might think since among those Christian names we have uncovered some 75% answer to either Oranjello or Lemonjello. Always remember that whatever a Person of Interest may call himself, they cannot help but walk in a far more relaxed and graceful manner than law-abiding citizens


  • D-Money
  • Smoothie
  • Shifty
  • Smooth D
  • T-Dawg
  • Money-D
  • Big G
  • Money Shifter (or “Shifta”)
  • Bigg Dawg
  • Shifty Smooth
  • T-Money
  • Hoops
  • Streets
  • Street Hoops
  • G-Funk
  • Gangster Man
  • S-Dawg
  • Large G
  • Biggg Dawgg (No apparent relation or connection to Bigg Dawg)
  • Smooth Money
  • Money Hoops
  • D. Smooth Shiftington IV
  • Mr. Dawg
  • Smoothie Shift
  • 8-Ball Dawg
  • Dr. Gangster
  • Big Joe
  • Hoops Dawg
  • Wiggly Pete
  • C.A.S.H. Money (C.A.S.H. is believed to be an acronym for “Cyborganic Advanced Super-Human;” approach with caution)
  • D-Dawg
  • Dorf on Golf
  • Snot Boogie
  • Dawg Money
  • Gangster Pope
  • Joey Big
  • Jock Jams
  • Big Billy Bitcoin
  • Shabba Ranks (Important: not to be confused with the Jamaican “dancehall” performer of the same name; curiously, this Person of Interest has repeatedly claimed total ignorance of the other, more prominent Shabba Ranks)
  • Dorf on Heroin
  • Fat Joe
  • Small G
  • Ticklish Nicholas
  • Mr. Big
  • Biggg Dawgggg (Bigg Dawg’s younger brother and protege)
  • Dawg Street Hoops Dawg Money
  • Joe Fat Dawg
  • Money Hoops II: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
  • Mr. Hoops
  • Ghost Dawg (Important: not to be confused with the character of the same name from the Jim Jarmusch film of the same name, although it is widely believed this Person of Interest is in fact Forest Whitaker)
  • G-Money
  • G Money (no hyphen)
  • Gee! Money! (AKA: Golly! Money!, Gosh! Money!)
  • Dorf Money
  • Big Mr. G
  • Kid Sniffles
  • Hoops G
  • Pernicious Percival
  • G-Street
  • J-Street (Important: not to be confused with the Israeli-American political advocacy group, although this Person of Interest is also believed to have major ties to Mossad)
  • Tuff Dawg
  • S-Money
  • Money Joe
  • Shabba Ranks (Important: actually Shabba Ranks)
  • Mr. Mister
  • Dorf, Be Not Proud
  • Hoops McStreets
  • Blind Pew
  • G-Dawg
  • Dawg-S
  • Marshall Josip Broz Tito (Important: actually Marshall Josip Broz Tito)
  • Dawg Hoops
  • Dawg Dawg Street G
  • Joe Money
  • Blake Bortles
  • Money Dawg
  • Emo Kylo Ren
  • Percival the Pernicious
  • Regular Dawg
  • Viscount Hinchingbrooke
  • Cash Dawg
  • Ca$h Dawg (Note: the “$” in the name is pronounced as an exaggerated “cha-ching” sound as one might hear from an old cash register)
  • Ca$h D@wg (Note: the “@” in the name is pronounced “at;” the “$” is entirely silent — the name as a whole is pronounced “Caah Datwug”)
  • C@$H D@WG (Note: pronounced “Shabba Ranks”)
  • Dorf Before Dishonor
  • Jamiroquai (Important: actually Tim Conway)

Should you come in contact with any of these suspected suspects, your first priority is your own safety — even taking into account the “Trayvon Martin/Eric Garner/Tamir Rice/Michael Brown/Freddie Gray/Sandra Bland/Unidentified Black Suspect #5477 Effect” wherein certain possible suspects exhibit an irrational fear of their sworn protectors, there’s not a carefully selected jury in the land that would convict you over giving Connecticut super-predators like Dawg Joe and Sneaky Stephen their just desserts.

Semper Aequus, and stay safe out there

Colonel Robert A. “Dorf Dawg” Williams

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