The Story of Birds and us.

Everything seemed so normal about that Thursday evening. This again, was quite expected of Thursday evenings as they ain’t Friday eves or Sunday eves to have too much to boast about. I was about to return home after work. But, it was only when I felt like something has landed on my head, that I realised some ‘higher’ power had different plans for me.

Upon looking up, I saw a nasty crow flying away from me, cawing annoyingly.

Damn. The damage has been done.The normality in my life was totally disrupted by this stupid crow. (Later, I thought it could have been otherwise as well). As I stood there, humiliated,I tried to capture the gravity of the situation. One thought led to another and within no time, I was surrounded by thoughts,questions and realisations,which eventually led to this post of mine.

I was surprised by this magnificent natural phenomena where one airborne species excretes on another (a land residing one) aided by the force of gravity.

I mean, think about it.

  1. Think of what it would take to interchange the giver and taker here (a flying super human pooping right on the head of a crow grazing on ground),
  2. Think of how nature’s forces are helping crows in pulling a trick on the ‘World’s most intelligent species’. (?)
  3. Think of how the entire universe has crafted its laws and evolution made its ways just to make this happen, and that too not a one-time event; this horrible humiliation to humanity happens thousands of times a day, at various human habitats across the world.

I’d say, this event is of higher significance,than celebrating any remembrance day of any sort of some achievement of human kind. To me, this event is a reminder by nature itself, of what the Man has and hasn’t achieved, of how gullible he’s to ‘poopages’. It reminds us of the story of Crows (birds in general) and us, where,clearly, there has been only one winner- and it’s not us.

It’s shocking to realise that this utter humiliation to mankind has been happening not for decades, not for centuries, but for ages.

The action itself is humbling to us, maybe in the same way how a natural disaster like an earthquake can take us to the realisation that we’re just puny humans in “what the f*** is going around?”- world.

Only difference being, earthquakes don’t happen every single day and nobody has ever died over a crow-poop.(?)

Bird-poops are their open and forced invitation to us,humans, to be more empathetic with them by strongly establishing their rights in the planet. Also, it’s our story of helplessness that we can’t do anything to them so that they’d reconsider shitting on us again.

I mean, we claim to have climbed the highest steps of ladder of evolution and have sent men to the moon, but still, are not able to, let alone revolt, at least let know this other species that we’re thoroughly offended by their silly-seeming actions.

Only when it strikes that , the fight, in real, is between the collective consciousness of humans, who walk around and catch invisible imaginary creatures for fun, capable to destroy the entire species on earth in no time and a species whose mode of survival, over time, had evolved to depend on our garbage, we realise that IT’S RIDICULOUS!

Having said all those not-so-pretty facts about the story, it’s a little annoying that, as a member of the Homo Sapiens Club,

a) I can’t find anything super cool to fix it.

b) I would not rather spend my time and effort in this seemingly silly to others, but crucial battle which will help us regain the self esteem we’ve lost pondering on the insult these crows have been showering on us for millions of years.

There is one thing I would love to do though. To explore deep into the mysteries of this unique relationship and the ways it had unveiled itself towards present.

The relationship has been pretty much comical. Or I’d like to think about it so,no different from a Tom& Jerry cartoon, where Tom hits Jerry with a big spatula and Jerry retaliates by tossing a tin of chilly powder over Tom. Over the ages,both the species- the crows and humans- have been busy fighting their battles and getting better at their pounces and shields respectively.

But, how exactly would the retaliations have looked like in our story?

Let’s see. Let’s go to the beginning of time and forward it a bit until we reach our first landmark; the mighty event when one species looked down, literally, on another and delivered the deserved amount of disgust on them.

Definitely it had to happen after the origin of first human and first crow. The latter as it turns out, had formed much before the former one. The first recognised bird, according to wiki, Archeopteryx which was more like a dinosaur, was evolved 150 million years ago. It would have started its luxurious act of launching its majestic waste in midair by then but couldn’t help but wait for a human target to obstruct it hitting the ground. The wait as it turned out to be too long; it took about 148 million years from then, to the first human-like species to appear on earth. Obviously a few men wouldn’t have been enough for our ancient majestic birds to poop on and they would have kept on trying, and at last, one of them would have succeeded.

For the first time, a human would have looked up on a sunny day,curious about what has hit his head, and would have seen a bird cawing innocently from a branch on top.

Meanwhile,the bird who proved its dominance over human species would have gained popularity among the winged community. The score was 1–0.

Since then, humans would have been attacked on occasionally, and our score remained at zero for a long time. We stood there humiliated, as we couldn’t fight back still, let alone invoking the same feeling of self-pity on them, which they had easily succeeded to do.

  1. The first blow to the birds came with the invention of this thing which Oxford dictionary describes as “ A shaped covering for the head worn for warmth, as a fashion item, or as part of a uniform”.

Yes. A hat!

The invention of hats could be the first turning point in the story of Birds and us. For the first time, our heads felt empowered and guarded while the eyes in the air were still wondering about the metamorphosis happened to some of their favourite destinations.

Thinking of it another way, an ordinary hat increases the probability of getting pooped on by 1%, as this website says.Anyway, the shame is on the hat and not on us. So let’s move on.

Similar was the effect of invention of umbrellas.Birds were clueless about this round flat thingy invented by land residing bipeds that completely obstructs their pooping targets. Yet it saved so many heads which were otherwise vulnerable to attacks.

Then came urbanisation which saw an increase in the number of tree-less spaces which eventually led to fewer number of ‘bird halts’ on which they could sit and mock on us.

Carts were a great improvisation in this regard even though the final blow to the birds came along with industrial revolution- ‘Invention of Automobiles.’

They obviated the need for people to expose their heads while moving around. We got inside the safety and comfort cars provide and were marked safe, out of reach of the birds.

Even with motor bikers, the air-dwellers had to consider a variety of factors like helmet,velocity of the vehicle and angle of projection.

Coming back to the present, birds are only left with pedestrians, that too bareheaded, for their attacks. They can now only boast about the kind of fun they had when they were dominating the entire human race.

But there’s something that hasn’t changed - the way they deliver their attacks, so carelessly and precisely, and the feeling they leave us with, that of endless humiliation.Till date, it has been the same, and I doubt that these ‘higher’ beings will ever change the mindset with which they are showering their contempt on us.

Last day, while flying back after accomplishing the mission on my head, I overheard these crow warriors talking with pride.

“Well, they do have bigger brains,but guess what, we can shit on top of ’em. So, we rule ’em forever. Die humans, die!”

I stood there speechless.