Dad’s Best Damn Cookies

Adam \[._.]/
Nov 27, 2016 · 5 min read
Your mom took this amazing photo (Lena Eivy Photography)

I found myself sitting at the table with my wife and daughter, as each of us tasted the bounty on our plates, delivering a previously unimagined perspective to my girl:

“At the age of 8, you are remarkably privileged, because it has taken me 37 years, and I’ve gone through so many horrible and so many delicious recipes, but already in your short life you have experienced the best cookie recipe in the world. This is it.”

This is the recipe for Dad’s Best Damn Cookies. Not my dad. Me. I’m dad. And these aren’t just damn good cookies. They happen to be dairy free, gluten free, paleo, and if substituting flax seed for egg is your thing, they can be vegan. I haven’t tried it but I bet they are the best vegan cookies you’ve ever had. And you know what else? These cookies respect women’s rights and variable human orientations/configurations. They help you do your taxes, and they even keep people from shooting each other.

They make me want to accept everyone for who they are.

— Anonymous Despot

Tools

  • Medium Oven-Safe Mixing bowl
  • Fork
  • Parchment paper
  • Baking sheet
  • Oven
  • Your own two hands

I make damn good cookies

- Your Dad

Stats

  • Prep Time: 10–15 minutes
  • Cook Time: ~9 minutes
  • Yield: 9-12 cookies. Unless you just want to make 1 big-ass cookie. Go for it. Cook time may vary.

Nom Nom Nom

- Your mom

Ingredients

In order of adding to the recipe:

  • 6 tablespoons coconut oil, virgin (pricey but worth it), seriously, it makes a huge difference — if you buy the giant tub of cheap coconut oil from Costco, well, they will still be good cookies, but they won’t be damn good. Being frugal doesn’t mean being cheap. If you are going to make cookies, make them well.
  • Note: 6 tablespoons is about 1/3 cup + almost a tablespoon. This isn’t an exact science so don’t worry if you fudge it a little — just remember on which side of the margin you err and do it better next time.
  • 6 tablespoons natural almond butter. I have substituted sunflower seed butter when I run out of almond butter (or do half almond, half sunflower seed) and they still turn out great — different, but great. Also for some reason, the insides turn green after a few hours if you use sunflower seed butter. I’m not sure what that’s about but maybe they will come in handy that way sometime in your life.
  • 1 cup blanched almond flour (Bob’s Red Mill Super Fine Almond Flour works great)
  • 1/4 cup coconut flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 3–4 grinding rotations of Himalayan Pink Salt Crystals (Trader Joe’s sells a grinder for this — you can order 2 lb. refill bags of pink Himalayan crystals on Amazon to keep from going through these grinders at an alarming rate) — I don’t measure the salt but it’s probably ~1/4 teaspoon. Measurements are for when you haven’t honed the fuzzy precision of practice. Making cookies is a practice. Do it enough that you don’t need to measure every detail. Remember what you did, do better next time. That’s pretty much advice for life in general.
  • 3/4 cup brown sugar (feel free to experiment with coconut sugar or some other variation) — Note, my next experimental change is going to be adding 1/4 cup more almond flour and 1/4 cup less brown sugar. Yeah, this is a damn good recipe but that doesn’t mean you can’t keep making it better. You can make anything better if you put time and deliberate practice into it.
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract, the good kind: bourbon vanilla bean extractives, or something you picked up in Mexico. Don’t get the cheap imitation stuff. If you want to be economical about it go look up another recipe and enjoy your mediocre cookies but don’t complain to me about it. When you feel ready to enjoy life come back and do it right.
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2–1 cup dark chocolate chips. Trader Joe’s has the best vegan chocolate chips — just grab their Dark Chocolate Chips (same price as normal chocolate chips, unlike other places that think they need to double the price just because they didn’t add milk). I like to just use half a cup because I think chocolate chips should be special, not saturating the dough and clumping together like tumors. Do what you want— you’ll make another batch soon.

Great Gadsby! This is the best recipe on the internet.

— Alexander Hamilton

Directions

  • Wash your hands — you’ll want to use them
  • Set the oven to 350°F (175°C) and start preheat.
  • In a medium oven-safe mixing bowl, add 6 tablespoons of coconut oil
  • Add 6 tablespoons of Almond Butter
  • If you already have melted coconut oil, good on you, if not, put the bowl in the oven to warm (yes, warm both the coconut oil and almond butter together). Pull it out when it’s melted enough that you think you can stir it in evenly with the rest of the ingredients using a fork.
  • Add everything but the chocolate chips and the egg.
  • Stir it all together with the fork until it’s evenly mixed.
  • Add the egg
  • Mix thoroughly with a fork again
  • Add chocolate chips
  • Line a baking sheet with a piece of parchment paper.
  • Wad up cookie sized (whatever that means to you) — just use your hands
  • Place ~3" apart on the prepared baking sheet
  • You should get half the batch on the first sheet (unless you made a giant cookie, what do I know?)
  • Press the cookies down lightly with the palm of your hand or fork if you so desire — it really doesn’t matter.
  • Bake for about 9 minutes. If you over baked the first batch, that’s why you have a second. Learn from your mistakes and adjust the time for your altitude and oven.
  • When you pull out the baking sheet, carefully tug the parchment paper off the sheet and onto a flat surface to cool. Load up the next batch on a fresh parchment if you have any dough left.
  • Eat them whenever you want — you made these; nobody can’t stop you
  • Store in an airtight container for up to 3 days — who are we kidding, these will be gone by morning.

I may have eaten the rest of the cookies.

— Dad

Your dad took this crappy photo — that’s why he’s not a photographer like your mom
Yeah, I ate this one — it had too many chocolate chips. Call me crazy

Adam \[._.]/

Written by

Software Architect. Dad. Drawer of things. Creator of https://BeetleRoyale.etsy.com

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