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It took me all day, but, in order to describe my thinking over the past 24 hours, let’s just say that I looked up “why do ideas seem so much better at night” on Google, and it essentially confirmed my theories on this subject. Despite — rather, because, of this — I do plan on enacting my late-night thoughts on the topic which occupies my mind the most these days: I’ll work on continuing to go out and meet new people and get into the swing of things this year and if, after my birthday, I still feel mostly the same way about this person, I’ll reach out with a rather honest message about how I’ve been feeling and proposing to see one another again — if it fails, at least I can say I tried and it might provide some definitive closure.

Yet, surprisingly, those thoughts wren’t the most pressing issue for a fair amount of the day (!) thanks to new stresses from school. Just like Liz Lemon in 30 Rock, perhaps keeping this diary will serve as a comforting little reminder that I go through the same nervous mania every semester at the same time: at the beginning, as it is now, I worry so much about this being the semester when the facade falls and I can’t keep up with all the work I’ve set for myself, yet, to this date, it has yet to happen. It’s king of like the stark market fluke about stocks never decreasing in real value over a 20-year period: even though it’s held up year after year, everyone is worried that this will be the year when the great fire will really come (though it still hasn’t!). So, yeah, just a lot of unwarranted anxiety right now.

Back to my heart, though, because that’s the thing that takes up most of my thoughts (despite getting a high-level degree at a relatively young age and having a chronic disease, my greatest preoccupation perpetually is the goings-on around my navel). I have started to wonder if I self-sabotage every time something pretty good comes my way; pretty sure the main reason I ever ended up in any relationship was because I told that voice in my head to shut up, and things turned out to be great. This is something I would love to tell to various females in my life, especially that one I don’t stop talking about, but that is definitely another topic for another day. Returning to the theme of this paragraph, though, I’m having a great conversation with a girl on the internet, but I already think of everything wrong with her, namely distance from me and, most likely, a busy schedule. And I seemingly did the same with the last one, even though she was incredibly busy. I guess my worry about this tendency is one of the reasons why I’m waiting to contact other girl — I really should keep trying other things and I can’t let my promise to contact her if I am still single in a few weeks become a self-fulfilling prophecy.