Existential.

What is home? I’m too tired today. Why is that person knocking? I feel like I need more sun. I don’t get people who don’t respect private space, even in public areas. Just the concept of not being conscious of your noise pollution boggles my mind. I also don’t get people who just say things to be heard. And talk while other people are on the phone. I have no idea what I’m going to do in a few months but I’m going to leave. Ugh. Fuck it. Don’t undervalue happiness. This is not my home. There’s just no connection here. Shortness of roots and whatnot. Who knows if they’ve even sprouted. I hate these people. Such a terrible environment. I’ll leave soon enough. Time to ride it out. Is it May yet? Is it March yet? I’m just tired. People caring about the wrong things. Placing value on possessions and status. Ugh. Have some depth. Have some character. Be rough. See some shit. Have some turbulence or something. You’re pampered, coddled. Definitely much happier then. Crazy I know. I see a man walking away. Faded soles and the past behind him. Just walking. Just turn and walk. One foot after the next. No notice. No question. No explanation. Just go, man. Walk harder. I sometimes wonder what the meaning of life is. What’s the point of so many things, ya know? Why do we have to pay to live? The thought makes no sense sometimes. Hey, let’s go. We’ll make it by dawn. Inches from killing these people. I can’t stand these people anymore. I hate their lack of respect. Lack of space. Tired of the constant berating of status. Jesus have some depth. Superficial fucks. I wonder if I can do it. I wonder if I can walk that far. How? What about wild animals and shit? Across a state? A whole week? Could I really do that?. Jesus Christ. I feel very empty right now. I feel hollow. I don’t know if I feel anything at all. Ugh. Doubt. Isolation. Hate. Exhaustion. I’ll be fine though. I am excellent. I am better and will do better in all phases. Just think of it as treating myself. Thanks, tax returns. Live, man. If nothing else, it makes for a good story. Today feels better. Just breathe and relax. Accept the uncomfortable. You won’t know until you do it. I’m still very alone and don’t know where to reach out. I should get some sleep. I just keep waiting for someone to try and stay in my life. I’m going to leave. My therapist suggests I try and have more uncomfortable conversations, not avoid them. Accept the feelings of anxiety and understand I am not in any danger. Often, hypothetical negatives would be avoided and might even make the current situation better. I’ll do that soon. Not tonight. Not enough details. But I’m leaving. Planning on it. No wonder the bill is so high. Full house. Empty home. Tiiiiick. Tiiiiiick. Tcktcktcktcktcktcktiiiiiiiiick. Getting drunk alone, mostly because I am. Unhealthy habit. Knock that off, idiot. Drip drip, stupid fucking roof. This is an exercise in futility. I think I have too many conversations with myself that I’m afraid that with anyone else. I’m really tired. I really wonder sometimes why I just can’t talk to someone. Anyone. I simply am not present. Why. Why so comfortable in silence? It’s odd. Speaking. I don’t know why. Just uncomfortable. Something I never picked up on. Good with specific topics. Not an issue. Let’s have a discussion! Can’t do conversations. Or at least new convos. Probably overthinking it, but isn’t that pretty apparent? I reek of charred beef. I have no say. Fuck. I’ve never been more ready than now. I’m out. So fucking out. Fuck these people. Superficial fucks. Fake fake fake. Money money money. Children. Babies. It sickens me. Lack of depth. Nothing. Fake. Fuck it. Hate. Kill. Fuck em. Such anger. Not normally like this I guess. I need to start sorting out my next move. I need to start being happier. Time to save. Time to experience. Life finds a way. It’ll work out. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up and let it work. I believe in myself. I believe in my network. I believe in Harvey Dent. Wait, never mind. Life doesn’t wait. Gives you the test, then teaches you the lesson. That seals it. No turning back. Burned that bridge for sure. Oh well. His emotional response, my actions. Err, lack there of. Eh, I’m still kind of a dick. Fuck. I’m an asshole. Real friendship is reciprocal, not promotional or virtual. Poor timing is the worst. What a doll. How do you tell someone you’re leaving? How do you break it off? How? That was easy. I’m motivated by experience and enrichment. Get off the hedonic treadmill. I could get used to this. Probably not, but at least the sun’s out. Heading south. Permanent vacation. I think this is the most at-ease I’ve been in a long time. I feel like I’m entering the prime years. My direction is limitless. I am the man. I’m finally taking control. I will be great. If not, I’ll at least be happy. Just because something is broken does mean it is useless. You just need to take time to fix it. People are too quick to dispose. This is relaxation. So chill. Met a girl. Crazy about her. She’s perfect for me. But I’m leaving. She knows I’m leaving. Not sure what to do. A goal without a plan is just a wish. I hate this woman. My patience is wearing thin. I don’t have the luxury of people throwing money at me. I can’t afford to be fat and lazy. I pity the comfortable. What a boring life. What a soft, boring life. I’m ready to fly. Who you become while you wait is as important as what you are waiting for. Not sure where I’m going, but I’m glad I got the options out on the table. Communication is key to making it work…and I really want it to work. One of these days I’ll disappear and none of you will matter. Can’t wait. I’m so over this place. Why am I paying for shit that doesn’t work. What a weird mood. I’m ready to get out. Still no clue what I want to do with my life. What I want to be. But I don’t know, I’m not worried. I just want to be happy. And I know I will be. No worries. I hate money. I treated myself. Time to budget. Ugh. Bust out the worksheets. It’s been a while and I’m irrationally angry. That needs to stop. Get out of your fucking head. Get out of my head. It’s been a while. Freaking out. I can’t do not communicating, but I can’t say that. Something I did somethingididsometimgididsomethingisodi. It’s not good when you can’t talk to me. I panic and worry. I fight myself. I’m losing it.