My COVID DEPRESSION approaches the podium. It’s disguised as me, Audrey, the person.

COVID DEPRESSION: Good evening, everyone. Oh, wow, there are more than four of you here. No, that’s fine. Great, even. [to someone offstage] CAN YOU BRING ME A BUCKET? YEAH, I’M GONNA NEED A BUCKET. TO SWEAT IN. LOT OF PEOPLE HERE, DIDN’T EXPECT IT, DON’T KNOW WHY, IT’S LITERALLY A PRESS CONFERENCE. [to crowd] I — hang on.

A tech guy brings me a bucket and I throw up in it and hand it back to him.

COVID DEPRESSION: [to tech guy] I’m going to need…


once again, i have arrived to dump all of my feelings about the lizard movie into a document. as you absolutely recall, i took to the podium back in january to defend the allegations against godzilla when the first godzilla vs. kong trailer was released due to the one-sided, slanderous representation of the large lizard. and now, i’m back again to make things right, as godzilla’s lawyer. sorry about my opinions!

i stand behind the prosecution bench in a courtroom.judge: welcome to this trial. i am the judge for this and will be in charge of this situation today.me, godzilla's self appointed lawyer: i'll allow it.the defense stares in confusion. the judge stares at the defense.judge: well?the defense: i'll...allow it?the judge nods.judge: do you have any opening statements?me, and just to reiterate, i am godzilla's lawyer: i do, thanks. first of all, the view is skewed right from the very beginning of this documentary by kong enthusiasts hell bent on tearing godzilla down…


i’ve decided that every time they release a trailer for godzilla vs kong, i’ll probably need to get my emotions out through writing a blurb about it like i’m godzilla’s PR. this is for my own self preservation because, frankly, i don’t know what to do with all of these extremely stupid feelings about a lizard movie. also, i hate king kong. he’s an angry, immature asshole. sorry about my opinions!

i take to the podium before a crowd of reporters in an undisclosed location deep within my own psyche. …

Audrey Farnsworth

writer and freelance giant squid scientist

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