My Profoundly Bad Cover Letters #44. Applying for: “Company Endorsed by Donald Trump”

— — JOB POST AS IT APPEARED ON CRAIGSLIST — —

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A RESIDUAL INCOME EVERY MONTH? I AM LOOKING FOR GOOD PEOPLE TO JOIN MY TEAM WHO ARE HARD WORKING, MONEY HUNGRY, TIRED OF BEING BROKE, WHO WANT TO BECOME A TEAM LEADER, AND BE FINACIALLY SET AND NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MONEY AGAIN. YOU COULD HAVE WHATEVER YOU WANT!
THAT IS THIS COMPANY. TWICE A WEEK WE HAVE TRAINING MEETINGS WHICH IS ON SATURDAY AND THURSDAY AT THE HYATT HOTEL IN SCHAUMBURG. THEY WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THE COMPANY. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS COME FOR ABOUT AN HOUR OR LESS. YOU WONT BE DISAPPOINTED!
IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HOW TO WORK FOR A MULTI MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY, YOU MUST CALL ME!
BY THE WAY, DONALD TRUMP ENDORSES IT. THIS COMPANY IS FOR REAL.
I AM SO EXCITED TO SHARE MY INFORMATION WITH YOU. BUT YOU HAVE TO CALL ME TO HEAR ABOUT IT.” — KIM

— — MY SHOUTING COVER LETTER — —

DEAR KIM!

WHEN I RAN ACROSS YOUR JOB LISTING, I NEARLY SHIT MY PANTS BECAUSE I. AM. MONEY. HUNGRY!

I AM!

I START EVERY DAY WITH A PILE OF PANCAKES, SAUSAGE, AND A SIDE OF CRINKLED DOLLAR BILLS.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE FLAVOR OF GEORGE WASHINGTON’S PRINTED GREEN HEAD! AFTER SPENDING A DAY IN MY DIRTY SWEATPANTS, HE’S DELICIOUS!

HOWEVER, THE FLOATING PYRAMID EYEBALL ON THE BACK? NOT SO GOOD.

BEFORE I MUNCH GEORGE, I FOLD THE BILL AND MAKE HIS LIPS MOVE AS THOUGH HE’S TALKING. LIKE THIS:

THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT WASHINGTON SAID, “AUGI. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE BROKE ANYMORE. YOU JUST NEED A JOB FOR A REAL COMPANY THAT MEETS TWICE A WEEK IN A HOTEL IN SCHAUMBURG, ILLINOIS, ENDORSED BY DONALD TRUMP.”

KIM, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT. IS THIS SYNCHRONICITY LIKE STING CROONS ABOUT ON THE POLICE ALBUM, SYNCHRONICITY? IT HAS TO BE. IT HAS TO BE REAL! THE FACT THAT “THEY” MEET ON SATURDAYS AND THURSDAYS CONFIRMS IT!

QUESTION: CAN I MEET DONALD? I THINK HE’LL LOVE MY TALKING GEORGE WASHINGTON IMPRESSION. OR BETTER YET, MY TALKING GROVER CLEVELAND (HE’S THE GUY ON THE THOUSAND DOLLAR BILL)!

I DO NOT CURRENTLY HAVE A $1000 BILL, BUT I’M SURE YOU CAN SEND ME ONE SO I CAN PRACTICE.

KIM, SORRY I’M NOT CALLING YOU PERSONALLY TO HEAR ABOUT THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY. MY PHONE WAS CUTOFF BECAUSE I ATE TOO MUCH MONEY. MAY I CALL YOU COLLECT?

THANKS A MULTI-MILLION!

AUGI

PS. I AM NOT CRAZY. I’M COMPLETELY AND ABSOLUTELY FOR REAL!

Show your support

Clapping shows how much you appreciated auGi’s story.