My Profoundly Bad Cover Letters #65: Applying for “$$ DEBT PROS — Inbound Call Center! No Cold calling! Hot Leads! $$”


JOB POST AS IT APPEARED ON THE GLORIOUS INTERNET (PARED-DOWN TO PREVENT YOUR ORBICULARIS OCULI FROM EXPLODING)

We have immediate openings for EXPERIENCED DEBT PROS…one call closers only! Top reps are closing 41% and earn $12,000 plus per month. Weak closers need not apply.
Applicants must have:
* Money Motivated Driven
* Strong Communication Skills
* Great Work Ethic
* Self-motivated
* Positive Attitude
* Enjoys helping people
* Results driven
* Background in Debt Settlement
No limits to your income!! Top Commissions paid weekly!! Daily, Weekly and Monthly Bonuses !!

THE COVER LETTER I EMAILED

Dear Collection Agency Manager who’s obviously on a delicate combination of steroids and cocaine,

JOKING! I know you’re not on steroids.

BA-BANG! That’s what we in the business call rapport-building. And it’s the technique I’ll leverage with your hot leads, because anyone forced to the brink of bankruptcy by a shit economy cannot wait to call a Redbull-chugging “friend” at the collection agency.

BTW — $12,000+ a month for me = f*ck yeah, let’s help people! Which I assume means helping them into the Walmart shopping cart they’ll relocate into after we repossess their trailer in Fort Lauderdale.

RAPPORT!

Here’s my favorite part — your “must have’s.” Because the second must-have, “Strong communication skills,” are clearly something you value by your awesome grammar. Just for fun, please read these aloud during today’s collection Scrum meeting to see how great they sound:

  • “Must have money motivated driven”
  • “Must have self-motivated”
  • “Must have results driven” and my favorite,
  • “Must have enjoys helping people”

The leads are weak? You’re weak. I must have immediate response.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.