I heard rumours about her lately, said she had a relationship, 2 years to be clear, with a married man, said that man is going for a divorce with his wife, said he currently staying abroad. Rumour had it, she isn’t that girl I knew.

So i’m not going to clarify anything, since i’m not on the position to do so, and i shouldn’t be bother to do so, but just want to let you know, who is she, from my perspective.

I knew her from college day, yes we had stories back there, we were a couple back then, not for long, just enough, 3 frickin month enough, we were a stranger, working together for a cause, an event to be precise, worked in a same team, seeing her couple of times, a lot of times, i developed craving for her, i just want to be with her all the time, that’s where i realized i liked her, i liked her smile, until now, she looks like a regular girls, hiding under her veil, veil wasn’t my cup of tea, never thought about having any relationship with that kind of girls, but she was different, i liked her. Long story short, we were close enough, as close as i finally ask her the words, and finally she was mine, and i was her’s.

Not for long, we had a fight, several times, we had a different way, she is focused in her study, and i was a fucked up college student, and after a tiring months of arguing and fighting, we broke up, and we were strangers like we used to be.

It all happened so long ago, we each had our own way, i had another girl, and she had a boy too, but i never loose her, yes physically, but never in my heart, i still had something for her, something i never forget, something i had never get from the other girl, she had me at her smile, her ear-to-ear grin, it keeps my mind occupied with those image of her smile, yes i couldn’t moved on from her smile, from her, she is the one that i shouldn’t let go at the first time, she is the one that got away.

To describe her, she was not the easiest girl to get along with, she is introverted, she was never a conversation starter, until you know her better, and then she starts to be more open with you, and she is fire, you can always see something burning through her eyes, she always had a passion in something, like meat and k-pop, she was not a good chatting friend, she sometimes dont answer your chat, she might make you think you annoyed her, at least that is what i think when she doesn’t reply to my message, she was not easy on the eye, she isn’t white, her skin is flawed, and she knew about it, and she always try to hide it, even when with me, her hair is straight but she choose to cut it short, she lose her veil, said she isn’t ready for that big commitment, and when you already get to know her, she talks a lot, a fucking lot, its like she never stops talking, about anything, but, when i hear her talking, i dont want it to end, i dont want her to cover her face with a surgical mask, i dont care if she had pimple, or if she gets darker after going offshore for work, i dont care if she keeps talking about those k-pop band or k-drama, as long as she is happy, as long as i can see the smile on her face, as long as i can be with her.

I hate myself when i think about her, makes me want her more, like a lot. I hate myself because all i can do is write this useless post, like she ever found out about this account, like she notice me at all. I hate myself because i didnt do anything, even though i can. i hate myself because i couldnt hate her, despite all of those rumours about her, despite of how she had treat me badly. I hate myself because when i wrote this sentence, her smiling face keeps popping up in my head.

I miss you, i still want you, badly, always.